


Danger Line

by witch_lit



Series: The Misery of Alec Lightwood [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AH - Freeform, Angst, Boarding School, Hate, High School, M/M, Murder, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Triggers, homphobia, like don't read it if you trigger easily, or at mentions of death, self-destructive themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-26
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-15 03:09:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witch_lit/pseuds/witch_lit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AH AU Malec. Alec is shipped off to a NY boarding school after the incident. He's determined to be apathetic, but will his roommate stop him from destroying himself? Darker fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Hate Everything About You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is my first MI fanfic, which I started it in April '12, 
> 
> June 2014: I'd appreciate if I no longer got remarks about my grammar on this (including POV changes, tenses, etc.) as it has been over two years and they are no longer relevant or helpful to me. Please and thank you.
> 
> September 2016: Okay guys so MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS, so if you're bothered by ANYTHING, READ THESE! I'm not fucking around. There is mentions of past rape, non-con, non consensual incest, the murder of an abuser, suicidal ideation/themes of self harm and major depression, a character with NO support system, and a ton of shitty poetry. PLEASE, if you see anything else that might trigger you in this fic, TELL ME and I will put it in the warnings/tags. This fic was written at a time when I was extremely suicidal and needed to get that out, which is DEFINITELY reflected in the themes.

Alec sighs, pushing his sunglasses higher up on his nose. His first day in New York, his first day on his way to a shiny new boarding school. His first day being so separated from his family, his first day to try and forget the incident that caused him to be shipped out to New York. His first day in a brand new Hell.

He impassively stares at the scenery as the cab trudges down the roads, taking him to Idris Boarding School. The sun is bright overhead, almost as if it's mocking him. Mocking him with its cheerfulness, mocking him with its ability to forget everything unsettling and just shine. Mocking him with its attention hogging ways. Mocking him because it reminds him of the siblings he can no longer be with, siblings he can no longer even consider siblings. It's their fault he's here, their fault he's alone in a new state and a new home and its their fault that his thoughts have become so cynical. It's partially their fault, actually, because his parents certainly did play a rather tectonic role in the incident.

But Alec doesn't want to talk about it, hell, he doesn't even want to think about it. Doesn't want to think about the sneers and bruises, the pain and misery and Hell, he said he didn't want to think about it. Why is he thinking about it? It's not as if he can control his thought process, exactly, but he should know better than to think of things that cause his heart to clench and draw up painful memories. he should be able to handle the memories, though. He should be strong enough to not feel despair swirling up inside him when he thinks about what he did, and what they did in response. He shouldn't be so damn weak.

He can't stand being weak. He's going to get stronger, though. He's already begun, he's cut everyone who so much as attempted to strike up a mundane conversation off with a curt glare a given off the hint heavily that no, he doesn't want to fucking talk. Why would he want to talk? He doesn't want to talk. So why would he? Everyone should just mind their own business and stay the fuck away from him. It would make the world just that much better if he kept his personal opinions, well, personal. Why do all those people try to talk to him, he obviously radiates apathy. Fucking idiots.

Alec has reasons to hate the world, same as every teenager except possibly more extreme, but he certainly doesn't plan on sharing with anyone any time soon. Or ever. He's locked up inside and he's long since discarded the unnecessary key. Keys aren't useful if they're never going to be used, after all. And Alec hates useless things. Might be a bit why he hates himself so much. He's certainly not useful, not normal and not 'acceptable', as his parents said when they found out. They then proceeded to do things Alec would never consider acceptable, but they warped that word to suit their own purposes. Besides, they got their perfect socialite children in the forms of Jace and Isabelle, Alec's siblings. Isabelle related to him by blood, Jace adopted, but neither of them of any importance to him. Not anymore.

But Alec is looking forward to one thing. His baby brother, Max. The boy was shipped off to New York when his obsession with manga and video games became too much for Alec's parents to handle. He hasn't seen Max in nearly a year, and they can hang out on the week ends now. Alec can remember his brother being more comfortable with abnormality than the rest of his family, but being with the boy may be difficult. Being with anyone has always been difficult for Alec, but more so since the incident. But Alec will still hide in his dark colored hoodie, keep all of his secrets locked up within the folds of the fabric. It's one of his favorite band sweaters, and while it's thin layered and too big Alec can't wear enough of it.

It's black, of course, and goes just past the pockets on his straight fit black jeans. There's one pocket in the front, and it's not a zip or button up, and the fabric doesn't start high enough to hide most of his pale shoulders but still the sleeves reach past his wrists, with thumb holes cut out along the seam that he has to twist the clothing to get into. On the front is a demonic looking skull, and it's almost grinning at him, with something resembling devil's wings sprouting from just above where the ears would be if skulls have ears. It's caught in a grey spiderweb that has a nearly violent and somehow reserved purple shading in between the lines of the web. There are three smaller skulls also stuck in the web, all of them looking absolutely malevolent.

He loves the thing, he loves it so much. he loves everything it stands for, the music it represents. Avenged Sevenfold is the band, the garment says it clearly itself. He loves all the music on two of their albums, their self title and Nightmare. He plays both of the albums on repeat all the time, loving the undisguised hatred and the sort of evil you can hear in the lyrics and tone. It's an almost taunting tne, and Alec loves the way the music pushes and pulls at his heart. It's one of the most real things Alec has ever listened to. It's one of the reasons he got shipped out here, but since the incident, he hasn't been able to fucking stop listening to music, and Avenged Sevenfold is one of the bands that just holds him captivated and craving more. One of the bands that make him feel it's alright to be angry, make him feel like he's not alone. Make him feel alive, like he's got a breather while he drowns.

He wonders, briefly, if Max will like the band. it doesn't really matter to him, because it's not going to change his opinion of the music, he just wonders how accepting Max will be of him. Max never heard about the incident, or what caused it. But no one ever heard of the incident outside of the picture perfect family that sent him to an unfamiliar place with unclean thoughts and the undeniable feeling of being irreparably dirty. Alec can blame his family, blame them for hating everything he likes, blame them for hating what he is. But he is what he is, and even if he hides it that's not going to change. If there's one thing he's picked up from the music he's been listening to for the past year, it's that you get nothing good from being someone you're not. It really is too bad that the socialites of his family couldn't handle the fact that he began to refuse going to Aberzombie, quit the sports teams they forced on him and chose skinny jeans and music over all of that.

He chose to keep it ugly.

It was, apparently, the wrong choice. It partially led to the incident. It led to Alec's life unraveling, it led to the hate that now covers his eyes in a smooth gloss. A hate that accents the beautiful blue but doesn't highlight it, not in a welcoming and pleasant or even relatively nice way. It's alluring, it's drawing people into his mystery but he doesn't even notice it. He doesn't care, either. He doesn't want to be loved, not really. He can't want to be loved. He used to think he wanted his parents to love him, and maybe they did for a while. But his home was an empty shell, and as long as appearances were kept up you could be a fucking prostitute for all Alec's parents care. Isabelle practically was one, sleeping with a different man every night. Except she didn't get paid, and Alec was the only one who worried about her. Their parents didn't care as long as they didn't have a baby, or an abortion, on their hands. Everything for public eyes..

But as soon as your public facade breaks, or you discard it like Alec, you really discover how awful people can be. Alec stopped worrying about Isabelle openly, and eventually stopped caring, because she made it very clear that his concern for her well being was unwelcome. And Alec stopped believing in love when his father shot him down, when his father... when the incident happened. The incident taught Alec many things, and however painful the memories, they are valuable experiences and useful knowledge. Allen took the most important parts to heart, and disregarded the ones concerning mundane things that he had long since stopped caring if anyone approved of. He was taught valuable life lessons, ones he would not soon forget.

Alec was shipped here, New York, for one reason and he knew exactly what it was. He won't go into details, but there were too many things wrong with him. But Hell, he would rather live in pain than feel numb and his parents had decided to have him live in pain. Or more like commanded him, condemned him. So the crown of the perfect older son slipped off of Alec's head, well, was shoved off rather forcefully, and that crown fell right to Jace. And Jace is the golden boy, never one to disappoint. You can see them and tell that Jace should be the one in the spotlight, anyway. He's confident, has a broad chest and is more than well defined and completed with a not over the top tan. He's not too bulky but not too skinny, the kind of American boy everyone wants. Alec is pale, has piercing blue eyes and dark black hair, small shoulders but still definition. There's the faint trace of a six pack on him, but nothing too pronounced. He's just the one switching the lights on and off as Jace takes center stage anyway, so he really doesn't have much to worry about. It's just official, now.

Alec isn't unhappy about being shipped off across the country, exactly. He's just going to be hated by a new group of people. At least with these people they're not actually supposed to love him in any way, so maybe it's better. Same shit different pile, as the saying goes. He's not unhappy with the change; he's just unhappy. But that's just another thing that lives within the folds of his sweater, another thing he stomps over in his black leather combat boots. Another thing he just has to live with, another thing he deals with on his own. And he wants to be on his own, he doesn't want anything like the incident to ever happen again. Alec doesn't know if he could cope if the incident were to repeat itself, and he's not going to take chances. Life isn't about putting yourself in dangerous situations, it's about surviving and according to his parents, settling down and finding a nice, orange girl to mate with in a white picket fence house.

Alec chuckles at how useless he'd be at that, but thinking about how useless he is and how much he hates uselessness stops whatever bitter laughter he was displaying. He needs to be stronger, he can no longer remain weak. When the incident happened, he cried for a near day. He screamed, begged it to stop and disappear. But it didn't. Alec wasn't strong enough to stop it. And weakness and uselessness are of similar kin. Alec isn't like some people, who know they're weak and chose to do nothing about it. If he's weak he's going to try and fix it. He's already improved. He hasn't gotten into stupid conversations, he hasn't told anyone how he feels about anything since just after the incident. He closed out the one friend who he had through his change from an Aberzombie shopper to a Hot Topic worshipper.

But it was okay, Alec was getting stronger.

\----

Magnus moans, flopping onto his bed rather ungracefully. Magnus is among the high ranking officers in the caste system at Idris Boarding School, and had up until now been perfectly satisfied with his life. His best friend, Camille, in all her beautiful blonde glory siting gracefully with her ankles crossed off the bed prettily and perfectly is always around, being popular, and all the glitter he fucking wore around the school like the place was his bitch made him want to strut around in a fabulous hat. But today, today is not a day for celebration.

"Magnus, it's not the end of the world." Camille said in her methodically melodic voice, patting his arm. "You'll live. It's awful, I know, but there's nothing we can do about it."

"No! it's the end of the world, Camille! you don't understand. Before this I could do whatever I wanted in this room, call it my own, wake up and go to sleep whenever I want. But not anymore." Magnus whines, and Camille can't really hear him through he bedsheets but knows her friend well enough to know his complaints by heart. Or at least the gist of them.

"Honey, I've had a roommate all year. You've had one for the past two years. Besides, we only have six months left in the school year. Maybe next year you won't have to share." She comforted her distressed and glittered friend. She's used to him being a drama queen, she's quite one herself, and maybe if she flashes shiny things like the possibilities for next year he'll forget, forget that the great Magnus Bane has been assigned a roommate, one the duo knows nothing about. They usually know something about new students before they arrived, but this kid had been sent in the middle of the second week of third term, and was going to be arriving in the next couple of hours. They had only just heard the news themselves, thus gossip wasn't spread yet and there weren't any rumors to know. Simply horrendous. What is the world coming to?

Magnus sighs. "Fine. Help me clean up, though. Please."

Camille herself sighs, looking around the room. Magnus had kind of taken over both halves of the room, covering the extra bed in various clothes and outfits. "Hm... Okay. Why don't you clan off the dresser they gave him while I put some of the clothes on his bed in the closet? He probably won't mind, like most of the boys in this school about fashion or having more than three pairs of pants. Sadly."

Magnus nods, and they get to work.

Magnus shooed Camille out of his room after the cleaning (thank God she helped, otherwise he never would have finished.), intent on touching up his outfit and make up. He did, after all, want to make a first impression. So Magnus did a once over of himself in the mirror- slightly spiked black hair with dark purple and turquoise glitter shimmering in the gel, darkly lined eyes in black with an accent of dark purple eyeshadow. His lips were a pale pink, juicy and perfectly kissable against his honey skin. A dark purple button up shirt rolled up just past his elbows, a light lather of green and purple glitter on them. A waistcoat covers the buttons on his button up, a black thing with thin vertical stripes of the blue-green and same color buttons that match some of his glitter, complete with black skinnies and green blue converse to match the rest of his outfit. And yes, it is extremely hot. There is a reason Magnus is among the royalty of the school.

Magnus straightens out his shirt and fixes up some smudges of his make up and waits for his roommate to appear. And waits. And waits and waits. Magnus isn't very good with waiting, but he tries to shrug it off. He picks up a copy of some fashion magazine he likes, but can only barely pay attention. He hates to admit it, but he's a bit nervous. The new kid might be a jock that is allergic to glitter and enjoys beating on more effeminate teens like Magnus. The new teen doesn't know the rules, doesn't know Magnus is fucking on top of the food chain. What if his sassy remarks and obviousness at being a flamer cause punches to fly? New boy will wish himself dead after two days, sure, but getting beat up still sucks. Luckily it's only happened once, and Magnus can't stress how much he really doesn't want it to happen again.

Finally, after what seems like hours of waiting, Magnus hears a faint knock on the door. The thing swings open shortly after the knock, and a black suitcase is lugged into the room by a pale hand. The boy turns to shut the door behind him, and Magnus catches sight of midnight strands of hair. The teen turns around and Magnus catches full sight of him. The thin but muscular chest, straight fit but still sexy jeans, boots hidden under the jeans. Sunglasses over the boy's eyes, but full lips and nice, creamy shoulders. Fuck. He's hot.

Magnus, never one to be silent, leaps up to greet his guest. "Hi! I'm Magnus, your new roommate." Magnus offers his hand for shaking, and the teen studies him in all of his glittery glory for a moment before pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head revealing the prettiest sharp blue eyes Magnus has ever seen, and he grasps Magnus' offered hand firmly. Magnus can't help but admire the firm grip, and isn't even too disgusted by the chewed on nails.

"Alec." Alec says, and lets go of the hand of his new roommate. The stranger is undeniably strange, and good looking. Alec would probably like that if it were relevant or useful. But it's not, so he takes little note. Or at least he tries not to. Magnus is friendly, smiling at Alec. But he's observant, and notices the glint of hate Alec gives for the smile. He falls silent as his smile falls.

There's an awkward silence in which Alec sets down his checkered backpack on what he assumes is his bed and opens up his suitcase, filling up the empty dresser with his black and gray shirts and pants, a pair or two of boxers but mainly briefs and socks. Magnus just watches awkwardly. He's not used to awkwardness, and he's not sure what the glint of hate was about.

"So..." Magnus starts.

"What?" Alec snaps, his back to his roommate as he unpacks. It's getting on his nerves, the way his roommate is observing him, making judgements about his appearance.

Magnus looks defensive. "Hey, no need to be mad at me. I didn't do anything to you."

Alec shrugs. "It doesn't matter. I'm not interested in being associated you, so could you just leave me alone?"

Magnus frowns. "Hey, I know it' not what you're used to. You obviously come from a wealthy family and are new to the whole boarding school, I assume, but that doesn't mean you get to be a dick."

Alec sighs. "I said to leave me alone."

Magnus puts his hands on his hips. "What, do you have a problem with me? You afraid to touch the nasty homo?"

Alec sighs. "What part of leave me alone don't you fucking get?"

"That's it, isn't it? You're a homophobe." Magnus declares, eying the teen with a scowl.

"What I am or am not is irrelevant."

Magnus raises his eyebrows, fully ready to go on a rampage. "What, the fuck? How isn't it relevant, when I'm gay and you're a douche? Is there another explanation?"

Alec turns abruptly to Magnus, looking at him with sharp eyes. "Yes."

The look stops Magnus' thoughts of going on a rage in mere seconds, something of a record. The look is so cold, but it's not a look of hate directed towards Magnus. It's directed to something Magnus can't quite place, and the eyes are so sharp they could cut. There's something fucked up about this kid, and if that look can tell Magnus one thing it's not that the teen is a homophobe, he's just a dick.

And he wonders how his roommate ended up like he did.


	2. Disenchanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day and fuckery.

Magnus is a heavy sleeper, Alec notes. Well, not necessarily a heavy sleeper, but someone who can fall asleep when the situation demands for it. Alec only knows this because the minute the de-glittered and pajamaed teen's head hits the pillow and the bedcovers are pulled up he's out like a light. Alec wishes he could just fall asleep like that sometimes. Wishes that his mind won't go on overdrive every time he thinks of sleeping like it always does, that every time he thinks of resting his eyes those images won't flash before his eyes, staining his mind. He just wants to forget those images, wants to forget his pain.

Pain isn't really even the right word for it, not really. While it hurt a lot, the  _incident_ , both mentally and physically, it doesn't really cause him pain anymore. It's strange. It should hurt. Hell, Alec wants it to hurt, but it just won't fucking hurt. The nightmares make him feel alive and terrified, they're horrible. He hates them, wishes they would go away. They make him feel, make him hurt, but in the wrong way. Alec wants to hurt, he really wants to fucking bleed and cry and maybe be the person he really is, but it's the wrong kind of hurt and the nightmares just make him numb. They enhance his apathy, they force his mind to be more cynical than ever before.

The fact remains that Alec shouldn't care about things like feeling and pain. He still does, but after the  _incident_... He doesn't want anything showing. He doesn't want any of himself on display, doesn't want his opinions known. His opinions are useless, his opinions should be kept to himself because useless things shouldn't exist. Feelings are useless. Alec is useless. But that's changing. Alec's getting stronger, he's building a wall of blood around himself and he can't wait to complete construction. It's a solo task, the managers of the project are the people who caused and took part in the  _incident_ , and they've long since left Alec to finish the job. He's fine with that, though. He's fine with being alone, he's fine with his situation. He's okay with the fact that there's even a need for him to get stronger.

He's not fine with being weak, though. He can hear the breath, hot in his ear and spitting hateful words of ugliness and weakness. Of being useless, of being the very thing Alec despises so much. Alec fought, kind of, but it didn't matter. He stopped protesting because he knew it was true. He knew he was ugly, he fucking knew he was useless, thanks for the reminder. Thanks for turning a perfectly nice boy bitter.

Yeah, there are so many thanks that Alec could hand out like flyers, let slip bitterly off his tongue. Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for the numbness. Thank you for venom. Venom. Alec could almost laugh at that, no matter how hollow the sound will turn out if he does. Thanks for the nonchalant personality, thank you for drowning the meek boy Alec once was. Thanks for making Alec's roommate think the teen a homophobe, thanks for trying to erase Alec's individuality. Congrats, you managed to wipe some of it away. But there are still the nasty smudge marks.

Thanks. Because of all this shit Alec had to put up with and undoubtedly will have to put up with again will no doubt cause yet another sleepless night. Another night for Alec to spend with his best friend, insomnia, another night where he closes his eyes and so much time passes by but he can't fucking sleep. Yeah, thanks. You're so nice, aren't you, world? Note the sarcasm.

Alec sighs, finally giving up. There's no way he's sleeping tonight. He's been having some trouble with sleeping since the _incident_ , but has actually had good nights where he could just slip away. Last night was one of those nights, and Alec had hoped it would last, but apparently not. He'll have to find something other to do than lie in bed. While there's nothing wrong with lying in bed, Alec doesn't particularly want to do that. He wants to drink a steaming hot cup of coffee to force his tired eyes open, wants to not be overwhelmed by this fear when he closes his eyes.

He managed to forget fear last night, but it's back again. It's back and it's eating away at his mind, and he shouldn't fucking care, he should man up and deal with it, but he can't. He just can't deal with the memories, not tonight. Tonight he needs something else, he needs... he needs something to sharpen his fearful mind and take focus away from his main objection. He needs something more than he has.

Alec pushes the sheets off his half awake body, swiftly getting a recently bought box from in his dresser and walking to the bathroom. He's sick of the fear, sick of feeling slightly numb when he was trying so hard not to be numb and absent like his parents. Well, his father was never too absent to deliver punishment. Alec shivers at the memory of his father's impassive face right before he told him that... he remembers what the punishment was that night.

Before a tear can fall, Alec locks the bathroom door and shoves the box open. He doesn't admire what he pulls out of the box, it's not a romantic interlude but a frantic meeting. A quick slash, a sharp feeling of pain. There's blood running out of the cut, and Alec breathes out a sigh. God, the sharp stinging overtakes his nerves and his breath hitches. He needs more. Another slash, more blood. It's like a drug, he can never get enough. It's addicting, it's his addiction. You've got to pick your poisons, and Alec has his chosen.

Cut cut cut cut cut. There's another cut. Alec finally, finally isn't afraid, or numb. There's an echo of guilt in his mind, that Jace would kill him if he ever knew, but he doesn't care if Jace would kill him. Doesn't care how much Isabelle might scream at him, he needs this. He needs the metal against his skin. He needs this pain, he needs this gentle throbbing. He wants this pain, he just can't fucking get enough. It blocks out everything, and the self inflicted hurt reminds him that he can make a difference too, that he's strong enough already to please himself. Now he just has to be strong enough to please everyone with an attitude to keep people away. They're better off not knowing him, not knowing what he's been told is the wrong answer. Alec always got the answers wrong when his father asked a question, so he shan't answer back any longer.

Alec sighs, having no idea where that sudden burst of energy came from as he tiredly cleans off his little blade, putting it back in the box after that's done. This anger and agony is far better than misery, anyway. He shouldn't mope, and this is an alternative. He shouldn't cry, shouldn't scream for the world to kill him already and get it over with even if he wants to more than anything else. No, he needs to hide himself behind a mask of uncaring cool. He needs to be someone else for a while, maybe for forever. Maybe he can turn into this false person, never let himself be seen again.

He's rewired his brain already to ignore people, to be crude in his ways. He's tricked his mind into believing it's true, that every word spoken when the  _incident_  happened is the blatant truth he failed to see. He can't think about trivial things anymore, he can't let his mind wander and cause him to blush. Ever since the  _incident_ , he hasn't been able to afford to let his thoughts slip to something they shouldn't be on, he can't let that blush he used to hate so much ever come back. It has gone into a seemingly permanent hibernation, that flush of the cheeks.

He's out of money, he doesn't have the privilege to be awkward and strange. He's Alec, but he can't be Alec. He's... Not really Alec. He's a fake. He doesn't get flustered despite his inward state of panic, doesn't stutter. He's convinced himself he doesn't care. It's not like these people will ever see the real version of him, anyway. As long as he can ignore them, he's safe. Alec wants to believe that everything will disappear just because his eyes are shut.

Sure, some of the dull things will disappear. Alec won't be able to see the world around him, or the path he walks on. He can't see the sun he refuses to look at, but he can faintly see his glitter bomb of a roommate. A bright light in a stream of darkness, but Alec doesn't want bright lights. Bright lights mean you're going to die, but Alec's already dead and he doesn't want to have to go through it again. He died ten times over the day the  _incident_  happened. He's had his fill of dying.

Alec sighs, making his way back under his sheets. He's tired. Exhausted. But he can't sleep. He can just watch the minutes tick by on the red-numbered standard issue alarm clock. The kind you can find anywhere, the boring black that only takes two seconds to set up, half as many to break. He closes his impossibly heavy lids for a moment, but he doesn't fall asleep. He lets the darkness overtake him, lets it flow over him. He's too tired to think about much of anything, too afraid to go to sleep.

He opens his eyes after what feels like a mere couple seconds but is what the clock marks as two hours. Soon, everything will be starting, his new life beginning. His new life without his family. Without his 'perfect' family he isn't good enough for. Away from his loving but cruel sister, his witty and self obsessed brother. Away from his mother, whom he never wants to see again. Away from the man he must call his father. Away from the man who killed him.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting.

* * *

Magnus rolls over in his bed with a groan, hitting the alarm clock with a sleepy passion. So not really much of a passion at all, but he just woke up. Don't blame him for his lack of enthusiasm this early in the morning. Being awake in the morning is over rated, anyway. Unless it's for something good. Like early morning sex. That can be nice…

With his thoughts still absolutely in the gutter, Magnus rolls out of his bed, groaning as his body is assaulted by cold air. They really need to fucking turn on the heat in the dorms. They're just making already reluctant students like Magnus even more reluctant to haul their asses out of their warmer beds and get to the goddamn horrid rooms of learning. The only thing that gets Magnus up is that he absolutely can't be seen without his make up, and if he's caught ditching the dorm monitor won't give him time to dress properly. That would be an absolute disaster.

And he can't have a disaster on his hands, can he?

No, absolutely not. The glitter has to be perfect, not a stitch out of place or a stain showing. Not a single split end can be on display, one strand of hair misplaced. Magnus Bane does have a reputation to uphold, after all.

Magnus isn't used to sharing a room, so when he walks in a zombie like fashion to the bathroom he doesn't expect to find a zoned out teen sitting on he toilet seat. Isn't expecting it might be something of an understatement, actually, considering the way he throws his hands up in shock and jumps around three feet in the air. Exaggeration? Perhaps not.

The, ugh, roommate slowly lifts his head up to gaze steadily at Magnus. There are bags under the teen's eyes, his breaths coming in and out of his mouth and there's a dull look in his eyes. Today he doesn't look hostile or even indifferent, he just looks really fucking tired. He looks like he's been up all night and run over with a truck. And he's got the fashion sense to show.

A dark hoodie that zips up in the front with a weird blue drawing of a woman with the words 'God save the Queen' and 'She ain't no human bein' are written around it, and the title Sex Pistols across the arm. The sweater is zipped only to the navel area, and underneath is yet another band shirt. Black straight fit jeans. Converse.

This kid obviously isn't going to be hanging around with Magnus' crowd.

* * *

Magnus ditches Alec as soon as he's properly glittered up, leaving Alec to find his way back to the main office alone. He's fine with that. No weird looks from his roommate, no failed conversations that Alec knows will never happen even if Magnus had decided to lead Alec to the office.

Besides, it's not like Alec's never been to the main office before. He checked in there yesterday, when they told him they hadn't quite gotten his schedule set up yet and he would have to go back for it in the morning. So he was walking to the office, wracking his brain in its state of mental deficiency for the way back. But he's so tired. He just wants to fall over and sleep. Wants to curl up and sleep for days, for decades. Fuck, but the nightmares will come back. Alec can't handle days of nightmares, decades of them. He can't do it. So he doesn't sleep.

It's a temporary solution for a permanent problem, he knows, but maybe if he gets tired enough he won't be able to dream, won't be able to relive the incident. And he really doesn't fucking want to relive the incident. Once is enough, thank you.

Alec finally reaches the office, his head up but not particularly high as he walks into the room. The secretary recognizes him from yesterday, and pushes her rolling chair over to a filing cabinet. She rummages around in it for a while before she wordlessly hands Alec his schedule and a map. Alec nods his thanks and leaves. Yesterday the secretary learned the rude way Alec isn't much for words anymore.

Alec doesn't have any trouble using the map to find his first class, ignoring the strange looks he gets. The other students are irrelevant. He's not here to make friends, he's here on a death sentence, as a punishment. And maybe he does deserve to be punished, maybe what he did was wrong. Maybe being gay is punishable by boarding school. But Alec can't be gay, can't have opinions on one sex over the other. He needs to learn to keep his opinions to himself.

If he had just kept his opinions to himself, none of this would ever of have happened. But it happened, and Alec needs to amend his mistake. At the very least, he needs to convince himself he needs to amend his mistake. He's still not certain that he did anything wrong. But he must have, he's being punished. He's been sent to Hell, but he always knew he was going to Hell. He was half living in Hell from the beginning, anyway. His house with his family was not a home. Not for him, anyway. The only bearable thing was his siblings, who slowly drifted away. They don't even know about the incident, and they were there when it happened.

Alec looks at the open door to his new English class for a tired moment before he steps in. Brown wood, something made to look expensive and probably is. Alec had to be sent to a respectable boarding school, after all. What would the neighbors think if he was sent off to some shit hole? Scandalous thoughts, surely, and that's not something Alec's parents would ever want. Noses would be upturned at their audacity.

Alec walks into the classroom with an impassive face. Who Alec assumes to be the teacher is looking over papers on their desk, a pair of wire rim glasses sliding slowly down their nose. He's likely in his early forties, sporting multiple silver hairs but not enough to suggest he's too old. He has laugh lines, and his posture is only semi erect. He has presence, but it's not overpowering or haughty. He's probably a good teacher, the perfect mix of strict and flexible that teachers can so rarely achieve. But he probably won't tolerate Alec's silence.

Alec sighs, walking up to the teacher's desk. The teacher doesn't look up or seem to notice him, so Alec decides to wait until he does. He doesn't have to speak this way, he can remain silent. If he's silent, he doesn't have to give an opinion, won't be expected to say one. He can keep his useless opinions to himself.

The teacher doesn't look up and see Alec until the bell has rung. He looks mildly surprised, but smiles all the same. He seems like a nice person, but Alec wouldn't say that out loud. What he thinks is irrelevant.

"Oh, you surprised me! You're the new student, correct?" The teacher asks.

Alec nods, his expression remaining blank.

"Well. I'm Mr. Sundlin, and welcome to Honors English! What's your name again?" The teacher smiles apologetically.

"Alec Lightwood." Alec says, frowning. The teacher probably knows this, just wants him to open up and talk. Make him think he's not all alone in a new environment, trick him, fool him into some illusion Alec would like to believe he can see through.

Mr. Sundlin nods. "Okay, then. We're working on a poetry until right now. Today is actually a good day for you to start, we're just doing our first poems for the unit. Just try to keep up."

Alec nods, and head to an empty seat. The desks are big, sturdy things and they're high up, requiring the tall chairs Alec used to love to swing his feet on when he was younger. Maybe he'll still like it. But it doesn't matter if he likes it.

Alec finds an empty chair in the middle-back of the room, in an empty desk with two chairs pushed into it. He'll be alone in this class, but he's okay with that. He doesn't have to ward off unwanted attention this way. He's still tired, but he took a caffeine supplement he remembered packing earlier in the morning. Fuck breakfast.

Mr. Sundlin stands up, addressing the entire class. "Well, class. Today I'm giving you twenty minutes to write a pre-unit poem. At the end of that twenty minutes I'll be having you all read them out loud."

There's a collective of excited looking faces and groans. Some people obviously don't like poetry, others seem to. Alec likes poetry, not that he's going to say so. Poetry is just lyrics printed out on a page, with rhythms added in and a beat to make the experience more enjoyable. A voice given to poetry, that's all the music Alec loves is.

Alec pulls a notebook out of the black messenger bag he brought with him to class, pulling out a pencil from the silver spirals of the black one-subject. He opens the new notebook to a fresh page and rips it out, not a difficult feat considering its a new note book. New things for a new school. With no lyrics scrawled across the front, no presence of the person Alec was for a while. Sure, he still wears band shirts and listens to music that will scream at him, but his parents didn't want his school supplies to have notes written in them from his old friends, the friends he was banned from seeing. The friends that liked the version of him that he was himself for.

He stares into space for a moment, thinking about what to write. Poetry has never been one of his strong subjects, but he looks at his hand and thinks. He then looks down at the paper, and it's almost as if the world swirls around him as he knows exactly what to put down on the paper. He knows how to form each word, he knows how he wants this poem to go and he knows exactly what tone he wants to use when the pen hits the paper. He knows how he wants it to sound.

He knows he wants steady repetition that stops repeating, knows he wants to ingrain his feelings into the words even though he shouldn't-but he just can't hold it back. He wants more of it, he wants it to consume everyone's mind as they read it, leave them with minds filled with curiosity and pain. He wants them to feel just a little of his pain, he wants them to burn. It's illogical, irrational, but Alec cant help it. He's letting his opinions flow onto the paper, fluent in the language of his mind. It wont sound as strong when he says it, he knows, but in his mind it's a burning passion.

Alec sighs, leaning back in his seat. He's finished his poem, but now he needs to write another, needs to write something that won't give away anything about himself and his opinions. Fuck. He needs something else.

He bites his lip, quickly writing down some nursery rhyme that he knows the teacher won't buy, setting it on top of the poem he just couldn't stop himself from writing.

The time for writing is up, signaled by the beeping of a timer and the teacher standing at the head of the class. "Pupils, when I call your name you going to stand up and read your poem. It'll be random, I'll be pulling names out of a hat."

The first person to go is someone named Chelsea Baker, and Alec could care less about her poorly constructed poetry. Sure, his poem isn't much better but at least it has substance. Shit. He's got to stop making judgements. It's a lot harder than he thought it would be- thought it would be. Another judgement, and estimation and opinion. He's got to stop doing that.

"Alec?" The teacher asks. Alec snaps his head up, mumbling something about roses being red and violets being blue. Mr. Sundlin shakes his head and tuts, coming over to Alec's desk.

"Alec, are you telling me that furious scrawling you were doing in that notebook of yours was seriously about the color of flowers?"

Alec shrugs.

"Come on. Give me that paper under your silly copy of flower colorment." Mr. Sundlin demanded. Maybe this guy isn't as cool as Alec thought- goddammit, it's another fucking opinion! He really needs to learn to control this shit.

Alec reluctantly pulls out the paper and hand sit to his English teacher. The man gives him a pointed look. "Do you want to read it or shall I?"

Alec shrugs, so the man looks over the page to start reading. He just takes a quick glance at the length and normal stuff, then starts. He didn't expect the poem Alec wrote.

_"Dirt_

_It's under my skin_

_It's filling my mind_

_It's not for the earth_

_It's for covering me_

_It's for haunting me_

_It's for scaring me_

_It's for tainting me_

_Dirty_

_That's just how I am_

_That's just who I am_

_That's just what you see_

_That's just what you've made me_

_That's just how I'll always be_

_Covered in dirt, and they ask_

_"Why so dirty babe?"_

_That's right, I'm so dirty_

_But it's not the kind of dirt_

_You can wipe off your face_

_Clean off your shoes_

_It's the dirt that consumes your mind_

_It's the dirt that breaks you down_

_It's the dirt that eats your soul_

_It's the dirt that never leaves you alone_

_No matter how hard you try, you're still dirty_

_So incredibly_

_Dead_

_Not the dirt I had before_

_But there's more_

_No one can stop the dirty feeling_

_The unclean cloth that gags my mouth_

_The purple stripes on my wrists_

_The bruises that shouldn't be_

_The tears that won't promise not to hurt me anymore_

_And I'm so dirty."_

The class is silent for a moment. Mr. Sundlin looks at Alec, and back to the paper. "I'd like to speak with you after class."

Alec nods as he walks away with my paper. He draws another name, but the class doesn't quite have the same energy it did before. There's more melancholy, a gloom spreading across the room. Alec guesses his poem was somewhat effective. At least he didn't have to read it out loud. Too tired for that shit.

 


	3. Let It Die

Alec sighs, hanging back after the English lesson. He's tired again, not sleeping last night is catching up to him. His eyes are too heavy to talk to his teacher, his mind too groggy to think about anything. The sharpness he got writing that poem is gone, everything is too bright and he just wants to sleep. But he can't sleep, he can't close his eyes for more than a minute without the nightmares overwhelming him. He can't deal with the nightmares, they're too much. He needs a cup of coffee or perhaps an energy drink. He needs to be awake, he needs to pass all of his classes. His parents would be disappointed if he- Alec stops thinking about his parents. He doesn't want to think about them, think about what they did to him. What they shouldn't have been okay with doing to him. He doesn't care what they think anymore. But he should still pass his classes, get a job and become completely self dependent. Even if he hates his roots, he can still make a name for himself. He can become more successful than his father, he can dominate his parents and their respective workplaces. He'll see who's useless then.

Alec doesn't love his parents. He thought he did, when he was little, he believed in the false shell and lies that made up his family. He believed that his mother cared, that everything was okay. He didn't think much of the lack of passion his parents had towards anything. But then Jace came along, and whenever the adopted boy got in trouble Alec took the blame for it. He took the blame for everything, the painful blame that he doesn't want to talk about. He was always the one whom hurt the most.

Jace and Izzy took refuge in the arms of others, lovers, flings, whatever they were. But Alec didn't. He had a girlfriend but they broke up when she wanted something more. He didn't want anything more from her than a companionship. She brought together their first kiss, she started all of their kisses. Alec continued playing the perfect son, until he realized he didn't like who he was. He hated football. He hated his girlfriend being his girlfriend, they would have been better as friends. Then Alec started changing, stopped doing things he hated just because his parents wanted him to. He dressed in black and listened to music he liked, busting out Falling in Reverse and My Chemical Romance. Goodbye, Justing Bieber. Hello, Green Day.

Alec just woke up one day, looked in the mirror and decided he didn't like what he saw. He should have kept his mouth shut. If he hadn't spoken his mind, the  _incident_  would have never happened. He could have gotten away with the clothes without such a big punishment, but the moment he let it be known he had something of a strange taste in friends and lovers it was the end, it was the  _incident_  Alec will never forget.

"Mr. Lightwood." Mr. Sundlin says, sitting down in his desk with a sigh. "That was a great piece."

Alec nods, not really caring about his teacher's praise. He's too tired to really think straight, anyway. The world can just blur by in black and blue for all he cares. Damn, another opinion... oh well. It's to early to be a cynical shit.

"Do you want to tell me where that inspiration came from?" The teacher asks, looking up from behind his rectangular glasses. His eyes are filled with a concern Alec doesn't feel he needs to be given, a concern that kind of annoys him. His life isn't this teacher's problem, it's no one's problem but his own. People should just mind their own business, confide in themselves and keep the world clean. If Alec had learned that lesson earlier on maybe the  _incident_  would have never happened.

Alec sighs and shakes his head. There are some things you just don't tell your teachers about. There are some things you don't tell anyone about, and that poem was inspired by one of those things. He doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't even want to think about it. He's thought about it enough, been trapped with only thoughts of  _that_  for far too long, though it's still fresh in his mind. It's hardly been a week and a half since the  _incident_ , and Alec finds it feels like it's been seconds and years all at the same time.

The teacher sighs. "You don't have to tell me, I suppose. But you should know that if you ever need to talk, I'll be here."

Alec nods mutely, and the teacher sighs once again. He writes Alec a late pass on a pink slip of paper that Alec may or may not need and smiles at Alec as the teen exits the room. He's glad that's over with.

* * *

It's lunch hour. Alec dislikes lunch hour and loves it at the same time, not that he'd admit to feeling any way about it. He hates all the mindless chatter and easy expressions, people being themselves or hiding with masks. It's like a masquerade, and you have to figure out who the lion is before it devours you. He loves that h can just blend in with the walls, keeping himself and his opinions unseen and unheard of. However, he doesn't seem to be blending as much as he would like (not that he'd admit that) when a tall blonde teen gracefully walks over to him with a sour expression. She demands his attention with her presence, so he glances up from his poorly constructed pasta plate.

"Yes?" He asks. Her frown deepens just a bit, but enough for Alec to know she's displeased with his blunt answer. He doesn't really care, though. But why should he? He's recently gotten into the art of not giving a shit.

She furthers her frown. "You're Alec Lightwood?"

Alec nods. "And?"

"You're roommates with Magnus Bane, correct?"

Alec nods.

"And you're a homophobe, aren't you?"

Alec thinks about the question for a split second before shrugging.

She looks even more dissatisfied with Alec. "How do you just shrug? It's a yes or no question."

"It's none of your business." Alec says rather rudely. But it's none of her business. It's Alec's business, and she clearly is not Alec.

"Actually, it is. I'm good friends with your roommate, by whom you must now understand is very much a homosexual, and if you lay a finger on him I will not hesitate to kill you." She threatens with icy eyes.

Alec sighs. "Look, I'm not going to touch him unless he touches me first. Now, I'm tired, so would you please  _leave me the fuck alone?"_

The teen looks at Alec with surprise towards his rudeness but leaves. She's not convinced he won't do any harm, but he doesn't seem like he'll do anything anytime soon. She's not an idiot, she can see the barrier that blocks him from talking about anything personal. She's somewhat curious about what caused the shell, but as the dark haired teen stated, it's none of her business. She'll surely find out eventually, though. She has her ways. And they are terrifying ways indeed.

* * *

Gym. Alec can't participate in gym for a while, not until his skin looks just like everyone else's under his layer of clothes. He has the class with Magnus, the only other boy sitting on the bench. He claimed something about sweating ruining his make-up, and refused to change into the school-issue uniform. So they sit silently on the bleachers together but still a good ten feet apart, watching the rest of their class participate in a game of frisbee tag. Frisbee tag is similar to football in a sense, just with a shorter field and a frisbee instead of a football. There are a few rule altercations, but nothing major. Alec's glad he doesn't have to participate. It reminds him too much of football, reminds him too much of before the  _incident._

There's a silence between Alec and Magnus, and it's not awkward. Well. It's not awkward for Alec because he's not paying attention, too lost in his own world to notice the glances Magnus keeps sending his way. He's too busy with his mind on the past, the pleasant parts of the past. is mind is on his siblings. Magnus' mind is on Alec.

He's curious about the boy dressed in black, busy trying to figure out that puzzle he can't quite put together. He won't say if he's homophobic or not (jeez, it's fine to fucking LOVE homos if you want), he's rude and he keeps getting lost in his own world, undoubtedly wondering about the people he lift behind. He looks tired, with baggy eyes. His eyes are sharp, but duller than yesterday. He was probably so excited for his first day that e didn't get any sleep last night. Magnus rolls his eyes at that notion. It's more likely he was nervous, but he doesn't really seem to be all that nervous. He seems... not relaxed, but something like relieved. Relieved about something Magnus has yet to figure out. Magnus wants to know more, so he scoots closer to Alec, the blue-eyed boy unaware that he's being minorly stalked.

"What're you thinking abut?" Magnus asks once he's directly next to Alec. The newbie jumps a little, but relaxes just enought o pass off as normal when he sees it's just Magnus. Who was he expecting, the boogeyman?

"Nothing." Alec say. looking away from his roommate.

Magnus raises an eyebrow. "Oh? Well, you couldn't really be thinking about absolutely  _nothing,_  could you?"

Alec sighs. "It's none of your business, okay?"

"Of course it is! We're roommates, we've got to know each other in and out if this is going to work! We at least have to get along." Magnus declares.

Alec shakes his head. "No, we don't. I don't really want you to know me in and out, anyway."

"What? It'll be great, knowing each other so well!" Magnus doesn't believe that shit, but he wants Alec to, so for emphasis he throws his arm around Alec's shoulder. It was the wrong choice to make.

"Get the fuck off of me!" Alec yelps, standing up like a bullet being shot and taking a couple steps away from Magnus with widened eyes and heavy breath. He doesn't want to be touched. He just _doesn't_   _want to be touched, goddammit._

Magnus just stares at Alec with a furrowed brow. What did he do now? Oh, right. "Don't want to touch the filthy homo?" He asks, his voice laced with venom.  _  
_

Alec's eyes are still wide as he shakes his head, "It's not you. I hust... Just don't want to be touched."

" _Sure._ _"_ Magnus says almost nonchalantly, his voice laced with sarcasm as he gets up and walks back to his earlier side of the bleachers. Stupid homophobe.

Alec sits down and rubs his temple, trying to control his breathing. A quick stab of pain runs through his heart, but it's not like the chest pains he's gotten from heart problems in the past. It's emotional, it's.. regret? No, it's just a bit of sadness. Shit. He needs to get rid of that. He's got enough without whatever that was about. He calms his breath, trying desperately not to think about the last time someone touched him. He can't think abut it. He can't have a breakdown int he middle of Physical Education.

 


	4. The Sharpest Lives

Dinner is uneventful, and Alec and Magnus don't speak to each other as they mutely prepare for sleep. Alec goes to the bathroom to change, Magnus not really giving a fuck, and they climb into bed for sleep. Alec really needs it. But he shouldn't… He can't have the nightmares again.

He tries to keep his eyes peeled open, tries to keep his heavy lids from drooping. But he has no success, he always did sleep a lot. The curtains of sleep eventually fall on his worn and broken seeing devices. So, so broken with the pain and treatment he's had to endure. His mind broke so badly the day of the _incident_ happened he can't even see the world with the same eyes any longer. A jagged layer of broken glass covers his seeing lense, and too many pieces have been imbedded in his eyes for the fragments to be safely removed, and Alec isn't going to risk getting them out.

As Alec falls into slumber, he starts to dream. No, it can't even be called a dream. He starts to remember, starts to focus his ugly mind on the past he knows, the past he's lived through in his nightmares far too often. As much as he hates it, Alec starts to think about the _incident._

* * *

Magnus groans, turning over in his bed. He looks at the clock with sleep riddled eyes. It's early. Too early to be awake, hell, early enough for some people (coughpartyanimalscough) to be going to bed. Or to sleep, as they may have been in bed doing other activities…

Magnus hears a whimper from the bed next to him, and he panics for a moment before he realizes he has a roommate. Stupid prick, waking him up in the middle of the goddamn night. Should be illegal. Punishable by death. Keeping Magnus from his beauty sleep.

"Please… no…" He hears Alec whimper again. "I didn't… I didn't…"

Magnus sighs. It's going to be a long night if he has to listen to these whimpers all night. Maybe he should just wake up his roommate and tell him to stick a cork in it. Shut his pie hole, etc. It could be a decent use of energy.

"Stop! Stop! Oh GOD, STOP!" Alec screams, thrashing about his bedcovers. Magnus nearly jumps a foot in shock, but quickly pulls himself out of bed to wake his roommate. He shakes the teen until his baby blue eyes snap open and he pushes Magnus away from himself. There are tears pouring down his eyes in thin ribbons of fear and suffering, eyes wide as he pants, trying to regain his breath.

"Are you okay?" Magnsu asks after a moment, though he knows his roommate isn't alright. Maybe it is just a nightmare, maybe there's nothing more to it but Alec is obviously scared out of his wits. He's not o-fucking-kay.

Alec nods, still short on breath. "It's nothing. Go back to sleep."

Magnus raises an eyebrow. "Really? That was nothing? So thrashing around in your sleep and screaming is nothing?"

Magnus is not convinced.

Alec sighs. "Look, just drop it. It's none of your business what I can and can't handle. I'm fine, or I will be soon. Just leave me alone."

Magnus' eyebrow remains raised as he places one hand on his hip, making the universal ' _bitch, please'_ look at his obviously demented roommate. "Uh huh. Well, considering you woke me up in the middle of the goddamn night screaming and I had to shake you awake, I would consider it my business and you _obviously_ can't handle it."

Alec averts his gaze from Magnus, taking a shaky breath. "Look, please just let it go. I'm not going to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it, so please let it be."

Magnus sighs. "You know I'll find out eventually, right? I'm not king of this school for nothing."

Alec bites his lip before whispering "I know." and climbing back into his bed. This time, though, he doesn't fall asleep. His eyes have almost been glued open with the prospect of another dream, a whole round once again with the monster that forces Alec to scream in his sleep. He doesn't want to go through that repeating loop again, he doesn't need that torture. He's not that much of a masochist.

* * *

Alec's better rested on his second day of school than the first, and Magnus is considerably more curious about Alec. The nightmares, could they have something to do with his cold behavior? Or is he just a pussy-eating idiot? It's an interesting puzzle to attempt to piece together, but Magnus doesn't have anywhere near enough parts to begin construction. He can just stare at all the oddly matching pieces and hope to find two that fit together. So far he hasn't had much luck. He's resorted to his back up plan; thinking Alec is a waste of space until he can be figured out. But an interesting waste of space, one for observation. Who knew wastes of space could be so confusing?

Alec heads out to the cafeteria before lessons, and Magnus follows once he's properly jazzed up in fashion and glitter for the day. He gets an apple and a coffee for breakfast, spotting Camille and making his way towards her. He sits down next to his friend, but quickly scans the room for Alec. He finds the boy with his eyes, sitting at a table in the corner of the room, all alone. He looks sad, Magnus notes. Oh well. That's what he gets for being a prick. If Alec was nicer, maybe Magnus would let him sit with him and Camille at the popular table, but no.

"I don't like him." Camille says, following Magnus' gaze. "He's rather rude. Very touchy. But... Hm. There's something about him that I can't quite place."

Magnus nods, carefully watching as Alec takes a sip from a steaming coffee mug. The liquid must be hot, but the blue eyed teen doesn't seem to care. "Yeah. He doesn't seem to like to talk about himself much."

"It's kind of annoying when you want to know more about him."

"Mhm. Last night he was screaming and thrashing around in his sleep but he wouldn't even tell me what it was about. I had to wake him up. Kind of pissed me off."

"He's a strange boy. Be careful around him." Camille warns.

Magnus shrugs. "He doesn't seem that dangerous."

"He wouldn't tell me if he's homophobic or not. You should be careful. He doesn't seem like he'll do anything for a while at least, but he might... and I don't want you to get hurt."

Magnus chuckles. "Dear Camille, while I do believe he might be just a bit insane, I don't think he's that kind of insane."

"Why not?" Camille asks, her brow furrowed.

Magnus shrugs. "I just don't think he'd touch me willingly. If he is homophobic, he's the kind that won't really do anything about his fears. He freaked out on both of the occasions that I've touched him, so I don't think he'd hurt me."

"Whatever you say, Magnus. But do be careful, won't you?" Camille requests. Magnus nods his acceptance and they turn away from Alec, their mindless chatter about gossip and nothing at all filling their mouths, but their minds are still fixed on Alec. Alec. He's a mystery that they both want to solve, that's for sure.

* * *

Alec finds a desk in the English classroom and sinks down into the seat, on time, resting his head in his palm. He stares blankly ahead at the black chalk-board, waiting for the class to begin. After a moment, it does, and Alec is watching the teacher explain the difference between a metaphor and a simile. The class project for the day is to write a poem using a metaphor. Alec really doesn't want to, but with a sigh and heavy fingers, he begins his poem.

_Life is but a dream_

_as we watch each day go by_

_we want to change the outcome,_

_but we can only watch_

_Stricken by grief, stricken by pain_

_Life was all a dream, so_

_put_

_me_

_to_

_sleep._

Alec sighs, looking down at the poem. It doesn't satisfy him, but nothing really satisfies him anymore. He shouldn't be writing poetry, doing anything that shows he has tastes in things. Except music, he can get away with music. It's just noise to some people, and as long as he doesn't listen to it with others he can show off his tastes. Music is an exception to the rule. Music helped get him into the mess he made with the _incident,_ but it also made him strong enough to survive. It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to work.

Alec closes his eyes, daring himself to remember the _incident_ he hates so much. It's stupid, but he's trying to get over it. He can't handle the nightmares, but maybe if he goes through it again while he's awake, it'll go away. But, same as usual, as soon as he remembers those hands coming towards him, on his skin, his eyes snap open and his breathing quickens. He shouldn't be trying this, and in English class no less... What if he had a freak out? Everyone would know that there's something wrong with him, that he's dirty and disgusting. Enough people already know that, he doesn't need more hate thrown upon him.

"Alec?" The teacher calls, and Alec notices that the man has appeared in front of Alec's desk, looking at him with semi-concerned eyes. "Are you okay?"

Alec nods. "Y-yeah..." His voice is hoarse an broken, his eyes still not having quite lost that terrified look.

"Are you sure? You don't seem to be alright. Would you like to go to the nurse?"

Alec shakes his head, taking a deep breath. "I'm fine."

Mr. Sundlin nods, pursing his lips as he looks over his pupil for a moment. "Can I read your poem?"

"... Sure." Alec says. He doesn't know what makes him say it. He doesn't like the poem, he doesn't like any of his poetry. But maybe he's screaming silently for someone to help him. No, that can't be it. He doesn't need help. He's perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with him.. nothing at all. Yeah. He's fine.

* * *

Lunch. Alec sits in the corner once again, picking at a meat pie. He hasn't really had as big of an appetite as he used to since the _incident._ He notices the blonde that called herself Magnus' friend sitting at a table surrounded by other students, laughing and joking. It isn't Magnus' lunch hour, Alec notes, as the sparkly teen is obviously absent from the mix. There are jock-types, you can tell by their muscular builds and presence, and the cheerleader-types, some, but not all, wearing less clothing than the school dress code should allow. Then there are people like Camille, who fit in with the group, but don't really seem to fit very well into the sub-categories of the clique. Camille has too much presence to not be in the group, and if she wasn't in the group she would probably create a better group on her own. Alec has the feeling Magnus is in a similar category as Camille, shining too brightly to be left alone by the obvious rulers of the school.

Alec used to fit, somewhat unhappily, into that clique, along with his siblings, before he quit all the sports he was in. He was there, laughing at their jokes and always being uncomfortable with the dirty jokes they made, always just being generally uncomfortable. But he left that behind, and he's glad for it. He doesn't have to hear about who has the biggest dick, who's best in bed, who'll give a blowjob on command. Alec doesn't need that. He probably couldn't stand it, actually. Not with the guilt that consumes his mind, not after the _incident._ He stopped doing "popular" before the _incident,_ and now he can't do it. He can't be that kid again. He needs to keep his head low, stay out of trouble and sight. He needs to stay safe, he needs to keep to himself alive. He's not jealous that everyone over there is laughing and having a good time, he's not jealous of all the smaller cliques or banded together outcasts that laugh and joke with one another.

He's not jealous. He's not. He has no right to be. He dug this grave he's in by himself, and he's going to keep living in it until no one can even tell its a hole in the ground, all they'll see is a home if that's what he has to do to stay safe, he's going to do it.

Anything to stay alive, he'll do what it takes to survive because _he's still here._ He's still alive and not planning on changing that, no matter how many cuts he gouges into his wrists he's not going to take his own life. Because somewhere in him, his opinions thrive and his desires for rebellion are still a blazing flame that can't be extinguished no matter the hate shoved at him. He needs to stay alive, prove to everyone that death will never take him alive. Because it never will. Alec's stronger now than he ever has been, he's determined not to care about anything except music. He can't show his misery by committing suicide. He can't commit suicide, he needs to keep himself alive and spite his parent. Let them know they have to live with him, and broken and quiet as he may be he's still Alec, no matter what they know about him now he's still the same person. He's still human, even if he's trying to erase his emotions.

It doesn't have to make sense. It shouldn't make sense for the most effective outcome. Let them scratch their heads in curiosity, in confusion. Let all Hell break loose on them and their bodies. Let them feel lost, let them feel a fraction of what Alec felt when the _incident_ happened. Let them rot for what they did.

* * *

Alec went to the library after dinner, intent on studying. He got lost in a whirl of new textbooks and information to absorb, so lost he didn't even noticing people were watching him until the girl from lunch yesterday, Magnus' friend, sat on the table he was studying at. He looks up at her, lips pursed.

"What do you want? I'm trying to study."

She laughs. "On a Friday night? How sad, I must say. I think I've got a better offer."

"I'm not interested."

"Oh, I think you will be." She seems so confident in herself. "I'm throwing a party tonight. Just a little thing. As the new kid, it would be beneficial for you go and meet new people, so, will you come?"

"No." Alec says rather bluntly.

"Hm? Are you sure?" She asks, a delicate eyebrow raised.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'd prefer to keep away from attention, and you reek of it."

She smiles, but it's a cold smile. Calculating. "Don't you think you'll draw more attention to yourself if you turn me down? I'm not used to being rejected, you see. It could be quite the scandal. Besides, I refuse to leave until you say yes, and heads have already turned our way."

Alec sighs. "Fine."

"Well, then I'll see you in my room at eight. Magnus can give you directions. I'm Camille."

"Alec." Alec says, frowning at her.

"I know." She smiles and walks out of the library with swinging hips, a detail that is lost to Alec. He sighs. He has to get back to studying.

* * *

Magnus sighs, looking over his roommate. He really is a lost cause, and not because he has one of the fuckiest personalities ever. "You're going to Camille's party in _that?"_

It was simply unheard of to go to one of Camille's celebrations (celebrations of alcohol, what else?) in normal day time clothes. Black semi-skinny jeans and a band shirt. Nuh-uh. It ain't gonna cut it, sweet heart.

"Yes." Alec says, an eyebrow raised. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"It simply isn't done." Magnus sighs. "Don't you have anything... tighter? Or colorful?"

Alec frowns. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it does." Magnus huffs. "Now put on something sexy."

"No."

Magnus frowns. "Go change."

Alec sighs but obeys, walking into the bathroom to put on really (fucking) tight skinnies and a low cut slim-fit t-shirt. This is so stupid. He doesn't even want to go to the party.

Magnus whistles as Alec walks out of the bathroom. Alec just looks at him.

"What?" Magnus shrugs. "You look sexy. I'm gay. Entitlements, my friend."

"I'm not your friend."

"Right, right. Homophobic. Sorry, I forgot. Can't be friends with the fag." Magnus rolls his eyes.

"Don't call yourself that." Alec says without really thinking about it. Shit. Did he really just say that?

Magnus raises his eyebrows. "Oh?"

Alec refuses to look at him. "Let's go to the party."

* * *

Camille's room is blasting music, you can hear it from down the hall. Why the school hall patrols don't stop her from hosting such an event is beyond Alec, but Magnus has been around long enough to know that as long as you have a little pocket money you're willing to give up you can get away with just about anything. Considering this is a private school filled with children of well-off, if not down right filthy rich families, a lot is gotten away with. It's scandalous.

When they walk into Camille's room, Alec isn't that surprised to see a sea of bodies dancing around, Camille and her roomate's beds pushed up against the wall in the dim light. The music is too loud for Alec (mostly because he's not fond of the songs. He can still hear people chatting [and moaning.] over the steady beat.) and it smells like a mixture of sweat and alcohol. It's kind of gross, watching some people bring the phrase "getting cozy with your classmates" to an entirely new level. The kind of party Alec would rather be left out of, not having to watch people he's seen in the halls or his classes grind against each other. He's going to see Max tomorrow, and he doesn't want to be disgusting for it. He'll have to shower, no doubt. Multiple times.

"Here." Camille says, appearing out of what seems to be nowhere with two clear plastic cups filled with... something that reeks of alcohol. Magnus takes a sip of his, but Alec doesn't follow. He does not want a hangover tomorrow. So he just awkwardly holds his cup, looking around the crowded room.

"I'm here. Can I leave now?" Alec asks his hostess.

Camille frowns. "No. Have a drink. Get drunk. Then you can leave."

Alec sighs. "I'd really rather not. I have to meet my baby brother tomorrow, and I'd prefer not to be hung over."

"You have a brother?" Magnus asks, surprised. He really can't imagine Alec having anyone but himself.

Alec frowns. "I have two brothers. And a sister. Now, please, can I leave."

"No." Camille says again. "You're getting drunk."

"What the Hell." Alec shrugs, throwing back the entire cup of disgustingly flavoured alcohol. Camille and Magnus just stare at him. He shrugs. "If I'm gonna get drunk, I'm going to do it as fast as I can and then leave."

* * *

"Why'd you invite him here, Camille?" Magnus asks his friend over the loud music.

"I wanted to see what he'd be like drunk." Camille shrugged. "A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts."

Magnus nods. "So true. He did something interesting earlier."

"Oh?" Camille's eyebrow lifts. "What did he do that intrigued my dear Magnus so much?"

"Well, I called myself a fag and he told me not to do so." Magnus grins. "It looks like an accident, too. Like it was just something he let slip without thinking about it. Maybe he's not a homophobe after all."

* * *

Alec's drunk. He knows he's drunk, and he's dancing with some girl. She asked him, and he just didn't feel like saying no. It's not very fun, as Alec's never liked dancing much, and she's getting annoyed that he's not touching her, but what the hell. He should go sit down.

He wanders across the room, sitting himself down on one of the out-of-the-way beds, watching everyone else. There's dancing, and it's dirty, people leaving with their mouths (and other parts) locked together to their own rooms, and some people chatting with drinks in their hands. Alec shouldn't have drank so much. He shouldn't have listened to Camille. But he didn't want to think, didn't want to have to go through this nightmare of a party without something to take the edge off everything.

"Hey, Alec. Like the party?" Magnus asks, sitting down next to Alec. He's just been sipping at one cup all night, so he's maybe a bit tipsy but he's not drunk. Quite clear thoughts he has, actually.

"No." Alec says quite bluntly, but he doesn't really care. He's drunk, and he's usually rude, but he's not yet to the point of slurring his words.

"That's too bad."

Alec shrugs. "I knew I wouldn't like it when I came. I've never like things like this. Izzy was always trying to get me to come to parties, and every time I did it just wasn't very fun."

"And Izzy is..?" Magnus prompts.

Alec smiles. "My sister."

"You like your sister a lot,don't you?" MAgus asks.

"Yeah. I've taken care of her for as long as I can remember because my... my _parents_ were never around." Alec has trouble forcing the word parents out of his mouth.

"Ah. That sucks." Magnus decides. "So. What do you think about me?"

"You're very sparkly." Alec giggles. Magnus can't help but look at his roommate with wide eyes. He giggled. Dear Lord, what is this world coming to? The heterosexual male has started giggling. "And.. and pretty. I like that you're taller than me. It doesn't really happen too often... I like that."

Unless the world is very much mistaken, Alec Lightwood is smiling. The rude bastard is smiling, giggling, and calling Magbus pretty. Wait. Calling Magnus pretty? That's not something most heterosexuals would... oh. It snaps for Magnus. Alec isn't straight at all. He's probably just... closeted.

"Do your parents know you're gay?" Magnus asks abruptly.

Alec tenses, his eyes darkening. "My... _Parents_? I'd really like to not call them my _parents_... Not after what they did."

Magnis' brow furrows. "What did they do?"

Alec turns away. "I'd rather not talk about it. I think I'm going to head back to the room... I'll see you later."


	5. Bitter Taste

As full as your cup may be, when you empty it back into the mixing pot along with the rest of the world you've still got nothing.

When Alec wakes up, he feels like he's got everything and nothing all at once. He has nothing he wants, but he's got a headache in its place. Yay. Headaches are awesome, aren't they? No, not really. At least he slept without nightmares last night. But today, he's going to be meeting Max. His younger brother. His younger brother he hasn't seen in a year or two... He promised to take Max and a friend into the city to go to the zoo. He needs caffeine first.

Alec quietly gets dressed, making sure not to wake Magnus in the bed next to his. He doesn't dislike his roommate, but he needs to keep him at an arm's length. He already likes the teen more than he should, he already finds himself wanting to smile when he sees Magnus. It's like before the incident, in that short time frame where he had real friends, people he cared about that he's cut all ties with now. People like Magnus are dangerous, they get him in trouble. If it were to ever get out that he likes Magnus, even as a friend, and his family was to know… Alec shudders at the thought.

He's not distant because he wants to be, he's not fighting himself until he's just skin and bones for nothing. If he continues to submit to their will, even when they're not there, eventually he'll be the last one laughing. They'll stop pissing on his flame at some point. But he has to handle himself, defy them subtly by staying alive and showing off few of the emotions that overwhelm him and hating them by listening to the music he loves.

It might make him a fucked up individual, but it keeps him alive while pushing him over the edge and he loves that delicious balance of barely-there sanity. He's probably going to fall off the edge sooner or later, but he's finding that's okay with him. Just another thing to spite them with, Just another thing to dangle the noose limply around his neck. He's not suffering from this near insanity; he's enjoying every second of it.

Everyone wants to dance, but guess what? Alec never wanted to dance, not with anyone, so he's not here to party with you, sanity, you fucking bitch.

Alec shoves his wallet and cell phone into the pockets of his dark skinny jeans, and quietly exits the room, taking extra care not to slam the door. For his sake, and Magnus'. He needs something with caffeine to take away the sharp, loud noises and stop the somewhat irritating pounding in his skull that is less than comfortable. He get drunk last night, not too drunk, though, so his hangover isn't to bad. But he... Oh God, he practically admitted to Magnus that he's gay! What'll his parents do if they find out? They can't find out, no, they can't... Oh God, he doesn't need a repeat of the _incident!_

Alec tries to calm himself as he walks to the school cafeteria groggily to get himself a coffee, thinking that telling Magnus isn't like telling the whole school. He grabs a cup and pours it into a paper cup, adding only a spill of cream. It's never going to get back to his parent's ears, they'll never find out. They'll never know that other people know about him, and they won't be able to punish him if they don't know, and besides, it's only Magnus who-

"Move over, fag."

Alec freezes, looking at the well-built jock next to him. He has his lip upturned in hate and disgust, and a bit of exasperation as he looks at Alec. It reminds him of how the popular girls at his old school would look at fresh meat that they didn't like that tried to talk to them. Oh, God, he knows. And if he knows, _everyone_ knows. Oh fuck, he's screwed. So, totally, incomprehensibly screwed.

Alec pulls his coffee cup to him and speed walks, as fast as his legs will carry him and make him not look like he's totally running away, to a whole-school bathroom, which is stalled, unlike the single one he shares with Magnus. He takes a few deep breaths, staring at himself in the mirror. He splashes some water on his face, then he becomes transfixed in his own image.

His face is wet,he didn't dry it, but it's disgusting and dirty still. Pale skin, high cheek bones and the sharpest and coldest blue eyes one could ever ask for. Pink, nearly chapped lips and fully hollow eyes. Cold, meaningless eyes. Scared eyes, full eyes, as much as he'd like to think otherwise. No one can ever love something as incredibly fucked up as this. That's okay, though, he doesn't want to be loved. He doesn't want to have someone care about him. It's so hard to find someone who cares, though. Yet it's so easy to find someone to look down on you.

Alec doesn't want to be loved, he just wants to blend in with the shadows, and he's been looked down on so much he's not affected by the feeling anymore. His heart has already been beaten and bruised beyond what most people can recognize. Alec is overcome by an urge to smash the reflective surface in front of him, destroying that image that lives in the world made of glass and blood. Fuck the mirror, that dark-haired boy in there isn't him. Not anymore. Not since the _incident._

Alec takes another shaky breath, clinging onto the counter that holds the sinks rather tightly. He averts his gaze from the liar in the mirror. That's not him. He'll never be that person again, it was stripped of him the day his mind was stripped of him, his individuality quite literally pounded into and nearly destroyed.

He's been held back by chains, he's been held back by love that he realized isn't real. He's been lied to, abused, and he's stopped being himself just so he doesn't have to go through it. Some people might say it's okay to be individual, but if your version of individualization isn't bottle-blond stupidity, it's not okay. Alec learned that the hard way, that no son of a well-off bordering on rich family can be anything but a meathead jock. It's how he ended up here, it's how Max ended up here with his early deviations from the realm of normal.

He needs to meet Max soon, actually.

He dries off his face, and doesn't look back at the mirror as he exits the bathroom. He starts to avoid looking in mirrors, actually.

* * *

Alec takes a Taxi to pick up Max and his friend. His friend seems nice, and the addition to the group makes it somehow less awkward.

Alec is somewhat conflicted about Max. He chose to see Max because he wanted to know that his baby brother is alright, but also because he wanted to know if Max would flinch when Alec mentioned their parents like Alec does. He doesn't, so Alec assumes that they haven't gone through the same experience. Alec's grateful for that, and lets himself smile as his brother and his friend talk about graphic novels and their excitement to see the zoo.

Alec's never been to this zoo before, and he can't say he's particularly happy to be going to see a bunch of animals. But seeing how excited his brother is, it makes Alec's face light up into an involuntary smile that he can't stop even when he notices it. There's something about being with your siblings, seeing them happy and even though you may not know each other well just being around them and seeing them happy makes you want to smile. He loves his younger brother, and is happy his disregards their parents. such an ugly word, and it makes Alec's smile falter as he thinks it. They shouldn't have sent Max off. He's a nice kid, and so what if he's weak and likes Manga? Alec himself used to occasionally read a manga at the library. He never got into Naruto, the one Max seems most enthused about, but he's read Black Butler and some FullMetal Alchemist. They're not bad, and the story lines are interesting. Some people are far too narrow minded.

Alec snaps out of his reverie when Max and his friend make something of a squealing noise and bounce up and down in their seats. The taxi stops at the front entrance to the zoo, and Alec pays the driver their fare. His headache is completely gone by the time he buys three all-day passes for this little duo and himself, and Alec's pretty happy about that. He buys each of them one of those swirly lollipops, the ones that are like long sticks that swirl around each other on a rainbow color. They thank him, and Alec smiles and says it's not a problem. It's not really a problem, but it will be. He'll have to get himself a job soon, as his parents aren't giving him allowance and he's going to be buying his own clothes. They still give max money, or at least send hims hit, because he's little and what he's done isn't catastrophically bad.

But Alec's done something unforgivable, he's done something as bold as _feeling emotions_ and _having a goddamn opinion._ It's his own audacity that's got him in this clusterfuck, after all.

Alec and the younger boys walk around the zoo, and Alec can't help but stand with a small smile on his lips every time the boys get excited over an unusual or large animal, like the giraffes and elephants. He laughs when they play jokes on each other, he listens when they tell him something, and though it may all be mundane, Alec's having a lot of fun. It's better that hanging around with his older siblings, who tend to ditch him, or drag him off to clubs he would really rather not go to. There's no possibility of getting into a club with Max and his fourth-grade friend, and they can't ditch them because then they wouldn't have a way home. They don't _act_ like they want to ditch him, either, like Isabelle and Jace sometimes used to. They don't make him feel boring and dull.

His parents might be relatively (but not too) shitty towards Max, but he's not going to be the same. He's going to see his younger brother while he can, because the last couple of years he's practically been dead to the Lightwood family. Alec's going to make up for the ignorance the rest of his family dishes out on a regular basis towards the youngest of them. He'll go to Max's school events, he'll go with Max into the city. He'll teach Max that not all of his family chooses to ignore him because he's a little different from your average bear. Max isn't even that weird.

After they go to the zoo, Alec takes Max and his friend to the bookstore and lets them get one book each. Max picks out a volume of Naruto he doesn't have, and his friend an X-Men comic book. I like Max's friend, too. X-Men is pretty damn epic.

I drop them off, and I'm in a pretty good mood when I get back to school. There's a silly smile on my face that just refuses to go away, and I go back to my room because dinner's in an hour. Max, his friend and I ate lunch at the zoo, a frightening experience that turned out to be okay in the end. At the very least, the mini food-fight between the two nine-year-olds was amusing. Alec chuckles at the thought as he walks back into his room, and he barely takes note of Magnus and Camille talking on Magnus's bed, who stop talking and stare at him when he walks in. He doesn't care,t hough, for the wide-eyed look and furrowed eyebrow, each one adorning the friends before switching to the other.

Alec walks to one of the two desks and sits down, and smiles as he begins to work on some homework assignments. He's still on his first maths problem when a voice inturrupts him.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Alec turns to Magnus, smiling open-mouthed. "Yeah."

Magnus and Camille look at each other, eyebrows raised. "But you seem so... Happy."

Alec laughs. "Sorry. I just love my baby brother a whole lot."

Magnus kind of has trouble recovering from his shock, and Camille is equally devestated. "Oh... Okay then. Glad you had a good time."

"Thanks." Alec smiles, returning to his maths work. Magnus and Camille stare at him for a minute before they depart from the room, still looking mildly shocked.

* * *

"Holy shit. Was that really your roommate?" Camille demands as soon as she an Magnus are outside the room. "Because that certainly isn't the impolite, broody bastard he's been up until now."

"I... I think so. Wow." Magnus is a bit dumbfounded. Last night, while drunk Alec wasn't even this nice. He was kind of rude while drunk, but kind of nice and really bitter and giggly. This Alec is just... Mind fuck.

"He's so... Different. I really didn't expect that from him. Just two days ago he was telling us to fuck off."

Magnus nods, in complete agreement with her words. "Yeah. Maybe he was having a hard time adjusting to his new environment. Or maybe he was happy to see his brother."

Camille nods. "So, what were you saying about last night? Something about Alec, I think..."

"Oh! I wanted to tell you that he's not really homophobic..."

Camille raises an eyebrow. "Continue."

"He's gay."

"That's too bad," She frowns, then a smirk blossoms along her lips. "You're going to have your wicked way with him, aren't you?"

"We'll see." Magnus says, and the smirk says more than his words.

_Fuck yes._

* * *

Alec comes off his happy high in a big, unexpected crash. He was finishing his Engish assignment for the day, as his homework was to write a poem every day for the rest of the unit, and everything just came falling down on him again. He had to work on a poem-these damn poems are going to be the end of him, he swears.

At first, he starts out staring at a blank page. He writes down some bullshit he's not satisfied with, then looks on his poem and thinks. He wrote about happy things. He wrote about all the stuff he doesn't really believe in anymore, he wrote and he faked and he was happy pretending.

Unsatisfied, he starts again. And when the pen starts moving it doesn't stop, just more letters making their way in perfect letters across crisp, blank collage-ruled paper. And before he knows it he's got a poem, and he's crying pathetic tears as he thinks abut all the shit he's been through, the abuse, the _incident_ that takes the cake. He can't help it, he can't help but want to drown as he writes. He decides that's exactly what he'll name it. Drown.

_Drown_

_Pulling me down,_

_dragging me to the grave_

_Pushing me around,_

_You'll be following me down,_

_'Cause I'm the one laughing' now_

_Never thought I'd be_

_No, you never thought I'd be_

_Never could see_

_That I'm laughing now_

_It might not happen now_

_But taking me down,_

_to drown,_

_We'll see who's laughing now_

_As you dig our graves together_

_You may have made me,_

_You may have graved me,_

_But I'm still the one_

_Who's laughing now_

_And I,_

_I'll never be just like you_

_This cloning didn't work,_

_This lie wasn't beautiful,_

_This lie was just like you_

_It was cold,_

_It was angry,_

_it was fake and it destroyed me_

_So who's drowning now?_

And yeah, Alec wishes they would all just drown.

* * *

Alec wipes away his tears and stops his bitter chuckles before dinner, washing his face and walking to the cafeteria, his hands shoved into the pockets of his black Avenged Sevenfold hoodie and his head down. He collects his food without grace or kindness, sharply taking his plate from one of the chefs and bringing it to the corner table and sitting down with what could be seen as a passion.

He twirls the sauce-covered pasta on his fork, bringing it to his mouth and devouring it quickly. He's done with nearly the entire plate before Magnus wanders over to him, Camille-less.

"Hey, Beautiful. What're you up to tonight?" Magnus asks, sliding into the seat next to Alec.

"None of your business." Alec says, frowning at his roommate.

"Oh, are we back to that again?" Magnus sighs. "It's rather annoying, these mood shifts. It's not illegal to be happy, y'know."

Alec shrugs, taking another mouthful of pasta. "It doesn't matter." He says once he's chewed his gluten filled tubes covered in tomato.

"Fine, be that way." Magnus says, standing up. "I just don't understand why you're so much of a fucking queen. That's why you're here, isn't it? Because your family couldn't stand all of these rediculous things? Well, I don't think I'd be able to either."

Family. All Magnus had to do was say the word family, say something about not pleasing them, say something about why he's here and that was it for Alec. He shoots to his feet next to Magnus, and his hand meets Magnus' face in a rather violent expression known as a slap. The sound of skin on skin contact in such an ugly way resonates arorund the room, as everyone stops eating to look at them. Alec's face isn't that usual calm, cold, or even distant. It's hurt, it's scared and it's angry all rolled into one. Magnus just looks kind of shocked.

"I wonder if I hit a nerve." Magnus says, pulling his hand to his cheek, his sharp, hazel eyes tracing Alec's expression.

"Curiosity killed the cat." Alec grits his teeth, a glimmer of anger still present in the glare, but for the most part, he's not as angry. He shouldn't have slapped Magnus. It was cruel, and there are better ways to shut someone up without resorting to violence.

Magnus grins. "But satisfaction brought it back."

Alec glares. He doesn't feel bad about hitting Magnus anymore. In fact, he kind of wants to do it again.


	6. Bulletproof Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally lifted some Leathermouth lyrics.... What. Yes I did. (I must go cry because I was such a poser when I wrote this... or more, a failure.)

Alec storms away from the Dining Room, leaving his unfinished spaghetti unattended and forgotten. Magnus had that grin, those words... Those words. They ring through Alec's ears, like a fire, a fire in his mind and a burning in his heart that can't be extinguished no matter how desperately Alec wants it to die. He wants those words gone; he wants them purged from his filthy mind. He doesn't want to think about what Magnus said, he doesn't want to think about being sent here and what happened just before he was sent off. He just doesn't want to fucking think about it. He doesn't want anyone to know, he doesn't want to be this torn up over tossed-around words that shouldn't hurt like this, shouldn't make him so doesn't want to be hurt so much by the sting of words delivered by someone who knows nothing about him or his situation. But it burns, despite all he wishes and pleads for, it burns behind his eyelids and his numb anger, blasted rage and pain is receptive to it all.

_Your family couldn't stand all of these ridiculous things. Your family couldn't stand all of these ridiculous things. Your family couldn't stand all of these ridiculous things._

The words repeat in Alec's mind like a song he can't get out of his head, a rhythm he can't escape from his heart. They mold them selves into his head with scalding thoughts; destroy his barriers that he made to hold him back from completely breaking down. He's going down, so much worse than ever before. Worse than the chaos his mind was brought when he wrote that wretched poem, oh it's much worse. Alec's blind in his despair, a thousand paper cuts digging into a deer sword slash of words and behavior across his body. He can't think straight, he can't see through the harassment he's endured up until now and his own pathetic, salty tears.

He's on the edge and falling off, and it's all over for him. He's fucking done pretending, done with being scared. He's fucking done with all the shit he's done to himself because of the people who are always supposed to love him but don't, pretending that he's not a person, done pretending to be everyone else in their plastic similarity. He needs something big, something dangerous that helped get him kicked out to this damn school in the first place.

Alec walks into his room, slamming the door, his eyes glistening with nothing but the rush of blood that eggs on his rage. He plugs his headphones into his iPod, pushing each one into an ear. He turns the sound up as high as it'll go, so high that Alec could hear it across the room even if they weren't in his ears. He turns on 5th Period Massacre by LeATHERMOUTH, and smirks. He loves the screaming front man, the barely discernable lyrics but the pure hate and revenge that sounds out in its own vendetta, the message clear as a bell and even if he can't make out the words he knows them so well.

_Killed my hopes (Revenge)_

_Called me names (Revenge)_

_Broke my jaw (Revenge)_

_It's always the same (Revenge)_

_Nobody listens_

_Nobody listens_

_Nobody listens_

_There's no escape_

_I'm just like you_

_Gave you everything_

_Nobody loves me_

_It's making me insane_

_Killed my hopes (Revenge)_

_Called me names (Revenge)_

_Broke my jaw (Revenge)_

_It's always the same (Revenge)_

_Nobody listens_

_Nobody listens_

_Nobody listens_

_Nobody listens_

_Why do you all hate me?_

_Everyone's against me_

_Mommy don't care_

_Daddy can't help_

_Made it hell_

_everyday_

_called me names_

_I wanna die_

_Maybe I can find_

_A way to make you all_

_Go away_

_I never lied_

_Never cried_

_Never fell_

_Never crawled_

_I'm just like you_

_Now you'll pay_

_With your fucking life_

_...  
_ He's stopped crying, but the anger and hurt and recklessness is still there. He jabs a safety pin through his lip, re-piercing the closed-up right side piercing. His father ripped the ring out of his lip months back, the first time he saw it, and the wound has only recently gone away, but he doesn't care. He wants his damn piercing back, and no one here is going to object it. His parents aren't fucking here with him. He's not living by their strict rule anymore, so he's got to _stop acting like it._

He's seventeen and can take care of himself. He's got one more year left of high school, and he's on his way to collage or a nine to five job. Alec still has his old lips ring stashed in the bottom of his bag, and he finds it, pushing the silver ring gilded in black to the newly created hole. God, he missed his piercing.

Not a moment later does he have his piercing back in before Magnus shoves the door open, staring at Alec with a frown. He says something, but Alec can't hear it. He doesn't want to hear it, either.

Alec turns away from Magnus, wiping a dribble of blood made by the piercing from his chin. He sits in a desk chair, and starts writing a poem make himself look busy.

_BAM!  
_

_And I pulled the trigger,  
_

_and didn't look back,  
_

_no time to regret  
_

_Let's not fret,  
_

_Don't think about the consequences now  
_

_We'll worry about that later,  
_

_Now's not time for haters,  
_

_We're coming, coming with a steel bat in hand,  
_

_I'll be the first man up, and the last of the gang to die  
_

Alec stops writing as his ear buds are pulled out. He turns, glaring at the culprit, Magnus Bane.

"What do you want?" He hisses, and he can still hear his music even though the headphones are in Magnus's grasp.

"Jesus, this is loud! Are you trying to go deaf?" Magnus exclaims, pulling on the headphones until they come out of Alec's iPod, subsequently silencing the music.

"I was listening to that." Alec frowns at his roommate, a using a glare to connect their eyes. He's still a bit pissed at Magnus, but more so at himself, for reacting so badly. Magnus meant those words to hurt him, they just hurt more than Magnus could probably ever predict.

"So was the whole dorm." Magnus says, then his brows furrow a little. "When did you get a lip piercing?"

"About eight months ago. Then those parents you like to idolize for hating me pulled it out." Alec says coldly, turning back to the letter he has no desire to write.

"I'm sorry." Magnus whispers after a moment. "That's cruel."

Alec snorts, but doesn't comment. "I'm sorry for hitting you. It's just... what you said, I suppose it's sort of true."

Magnus shakes his head, but it's not like Alec can see it. "You don't have to apologize. I was in your business more than I should have been. I liked seeing you happy earlier, and I thought that maybe you'd still be in a good mood. I was kind of... hurt, when you snapped at me.

Alec turns his head to looks at Magnus, feeling guilty. "You have every right to have been so cruel to me. You didn't know what you said would hurt me as much as it did. Besides, I haven't really been nice since I've been here. Things aren't great at home, and I was living like my parents are here to judge me. But they're not, and I need to forget about all the rules I made myself for living with them."

Magnus raises his eyebrows. "Rules?'

Alec nods. "Never let them get your secrets. It's the most important one. Keep your opinions to yourself, and they won't have an excuse to hate you."

Magnus's heart almost breaks with the bitter chuckle Alec lets loose. He didn't mean to hurt Alec; he just wanted to know more. Then he got pissed, and made it his goal to piss off the teen as much as he could. But judging by the way his cheeks shine a little, he made Alec cry. He made the seemingly feelingless Alec Lightwood cry. He feels like such a bastard.

"I'm sorry." Magnus says again. He means it. As much of a jerk as he can be, as much of a diva or sass-queen he is, he doesn't mean to hurt someone like that. He doesn't mean to make anyone cry, maybe of heartbreak, but not with cutting words that rip a person in two. Huh. Magnus Bane does hidden under all of that glitter, have a heart.

"Don't be. You inspired me to stop living like they're going to come in and-" Alec stops with what he was about to say. He swallows, and a tear drops from his eye. He turns back to his letter. "Never mind."

"What?" Magnus asks, touching Alec's shoulder. "You can tell me."

Alec shakes his head. "No, I can't."

Magnus sighs. "Fine. But, you're okay, right?"

"No, I'm not-o-fucking-kay." Alec laughs. "But I'm doing pretty damn good right now."

Magnus smiles. "That' good."

Alec isn't mad at Magnus anymore. He should be blowing off Magnus's head, he should be screaming but he's actually quite calm. If it were anyone else, he probably would have. But now that he's given into it, he's not going to suppress his thoughts anymore. He's not going to be especially mean to Magnus, because, well, Magnus is damn _fine_ to look at. Looks aren't everything, but they sure are _something._

* * *

The Roommate, by Magnus Bane

_He's hiding behind those baby blues_

_frightened of himself, bitter of the world_

_What went wrong?_

_Waking, eyes full of the past and breath heavy with fright_

_What went wrong?_

_He's bitter, so, so bitter and hateful,_

_In and sane all in a swirl of madness_

_He's brutal and loathing, but_

_if you stare_

_for a long spell and minute,_

_you can see_

_He's got little against you or me_

_it's him, himself he hates._

_He hates that he thinks, hates that he loves_

_Hates that he can't stop,_

_That he's still alive._

* * *

Alec starts letting himself go, slowly. He relaxes a bit, though he's still tense. He's a bit bitchy, but he doesn't really do it on purpose. He still hasn't been sleeping very much, waking no more than three hours after his eyes close from a nightmare Magnus has to shake him from, as he's screaming so loudly. Sometimes he cuts, but not as much. He's never going to see his parents again; they're not going to come to the monthly parent-visiting weekends, the next one in a week.

But now that Alec's not living like he's on a leash with a choking collar, he's started to notice the people around him some more. He notices that some people sneer at him when he walks by, whether it's because they know he's gay, the lip ring or the perfect un-preppy and pretty clothes he's not sure. It doesn't really matter, as long as they don't speak to him. And for the most part they don't, unlike every single person at his old school whom were all very verbal about his transformation.

This school isn't like Alec's old one, where everyone knows everything about everyone and their aunt. The kids haven't known each other for over ten years, they don't know about each other's past and they don't make it their business to pry too much. If it's important, they'll hear about it, but otherwise it doesn't really matter. Alec's grateful for that, that ability to live in a world where everyone doesn't know every dumb thing he's done as a child, and don't want to know, either.

Privacy is something that Alec's always loved, ever since he was a child. If he were alone, no one would see the bruises or the concealed signs of a badly built family. He didn't want anyone else to see it then, he doesn't want anyone finding out about it now. He's happy not all the students are in his face for every little detail, every little mistake he's made even as far back as stealing some of Dorothea Ellis' gold fish in third grade. Alec can hide his past in a place like this. No one knows him, he has no one to tell him or her against his will, and so they're never finding out.

Very few people know him well enough to care about what he does in his free time. Only Magnus and Camille, who don't really know him at all, ever bother talking to him. He may have told a few people to fuck off his first few days, and it seems they got the message loud and clear.

Alec's actually fine with not really having any friends, though. He's not one, never has been, to make idle chitchat about this and that and bum-fuck nothing. Camille is friendly enough, and sometimes they _do_ talk about nothing, but the good kind of nothing. Not the how-many-times-I-got-laid kind of nothing, but the occasional "How are you?" or "Hi." Idle chatter about nothing, no deep conversations about things Alec would rather not talk about. Then, of course, there's Magnus.

Alec kind of feels bad for being so cold towards him. He's something else, Magnus is. He's fashion obsessed and surely some form of insane, but Alec loves it. He talks to Magnus, occasionally about classes, and never about anything of any importance. Whenever Magnus asks about Alec's family, he somehow finds a way out of answering, or answers in a word or simple sentence. Magnus wants to know more, Alec can tell, but his lips are sealed. His business is his business, not Magnus's. Magnus is far pushier than everyone else, and while it's kind of annoying Alec kind of understands. If someone had come, and been a total asshole then changed, he would probably be a bit curious as well. He probably wouldn't push it as much as Magnus does, because, well, he's _Alec._ He's learned not to ask questions.

Alec does, genuinely like spending time with Magnus, and occasionally Camille. They don't push him too hard when he's obviously tired, and it's nice. They notice things like that, unlike his old friends. He likes it... and he likes Magnus.

The whole school knows he's gay by now, and while some of the other students stupidly suspect he's going to end up getting caught peeking in the men's changing room, some can also see Magnus and Alec, two gay guys rooming together, pressing their beds together and doing the dirty. Alec hears the whispers, the rumors. Hell, Magnus and Camille tell him half of them. A year ago, he would have been embarrassed beyond belief, blushing and getting worried about being too obvious. But he lost that part of his personality, his bit of niavety when the _incident_ happened. It's probably not going to come back.

* * *

" _C-can I talk to you, father?" The dark-haired boy asked,_ _biting his lip and gazing at his elder_ _with skittish eyes, his cheeks flushed in nerves._

_"Stuttering is unattractive and useless. Stop doing it, and that ridiculous blush is insulting to your family name." The father said, gazing over his newspaper. His eyes were cold, empty and riddled with hidden anger and often-present hate and aggression.  
_

_"I-I'm sorry..." The teen said, mentally cursing himself for making the same mistake twice in a row. But he couldn't_ help _but stutter when he talked to his father. He was always on edge while talking to the man, afraid of the results. He didn't even know why he was doing this, telling his father this information the older probably didn't want to know. Maybe he hoped he would be understood. He should have known better, he did know better, he just wanted to flare out a little in honest rebellion. True rebellion in something he couldn't even control. But rebellion, be it accident or purposeful, is still rebellion. Something he wanted to toy with._

_The head of the family tutted, looking at his son with scorn-filled eyes. "Don't apologize. Fix it."  
_

_"Yes, father." The younger said, biting his lip.  
_

_"Are you going to waste my time or spit it out, boy?" The father asked harshly, frowning at his first-born.  
_

_"Oh... Um, well, I guess I wanted to tell you... um, I'm gay."  
_

_There was a moment of silence between the two. The father grit his teeth together, looking at his son with disgust. "Basement." He grit out, and the teen turned pale.  
_

_"Father, please don't, I'm so-"  
_

_"BASEMENT!" The father yelled, knocking his chair back as he stood up in a rush, walking over to his son._

* * *

"Alec! Wake up!" Magnus yells, refraining from touching the writhing teen on the bed next to his. Alec doesn't like contact too much, and Magnus has learned it's best not to wake him up with it. During the day, yes, but not after a nightmare. A nightmare Alec still won't tell him anything about.

"Not the basement! I swear I'll stop, I'm sorry!" Alec sobs in his sleep. Magnus freezes for a half second, contemplating letting Alec continue to scream pleas and learn more about Alec, but decides against it as he doesn't want his roommate to suffer if he can do something about it. He's not a cold-hearted bastard after all! Not that anyone really thinks that, all they tend to think when they see him is either _whoa_ , _gay_ or _I wish I could be that fashionable and stunning._

"ALEC!" Magnus tries again, and this time Alec shoots straight into a sitting position, panting with wild and scared eyes. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, remembering himself as he takes in where he is and who he's with.

He looks over at Magnus, a small smile on his sweaty face. "Thanks," he pants, "I really didn't want to dream about that."

"Dream about what?" Magnus asks, gazing at his roommate in the dim lamp-light.

Alec looks away, biting his lip. "I'm going to take a shower."

* * *

Alec can't get the feeling off his skin as he showers, can't get the nightmare out of his mind. He's glad Magnus woke him up, but at the same time he's not really _awake._

It's that in-between feeling, being caught in your head and your life is passing you by while you do. Alec can't stop thinking. Thinking about how his desire for rebellion cost him almost everything, only for him to find out there's a good life outside the plastic walls his father has created, outside of the plastic ways. Alec was never really the rebel type, more of the blending in with the furniture type, but he started on his purposeful rebellion after he discovered his accidental one. Being gay made him want to know how his father would react to more subtle things, like the lip piercing, and it was better than what Alec had expected. So he had been nervous to tell his father, of course, because he had expected punishment... but not quite to the degree which he got it.

Alec snaps out of his trance, realizing with a lurch how _dirty_ he is. He scrubs, and scrubs, and he still feels like he's covered in a layer of grime. Ugh. He just wants someone to make him clean, to make him stop feeling so damn dirty and disgusting.

And he finds, with a bit of unsurprised amusement, that his mind wanders towards Magnus.


	7. Take Me Under

Alexander Lightwood is _not_ normal.

That is something Magnus has become very aware of in the last week and a half of living with him. Magnus knows, from little scraps of information that Alec's given him, that he doesn't like his parents, and the feeling may be mutual if pulling out a lip ring and terrorizing their son is anything to go by. Magnus knows Alec and his parents probably aren't on the best terms, so he half expected this, but at the same time, really didn't.

The fidgeting, running his hand through his hair, pacing, biting his lip… He's nervous. Very nervous, and he's even taken out his sexy lip ring. It's parent-visiting day.

Parents can sign their children off of campus for the night, and families can hang out together. Magnus's uncle is coming to visit, and should appear in an hour or two to take Magnus away. But Alec, he's freaking out.

He obviously doesn't want to encounter his parental units.

"Do you think they're going to come?" Alec asks, biting the nail on his thumb, his eyebrows furrowed, pacing around the table they're at.

Magnus sighs. "Alec, I don't know."

Alec bites down on his lip, wringing his hands. He gazes nervously around the lunchroom they're in, scanning faces for ones he recognizes from his past. There's a nervous layer of sweat on the back of his neck, and it seems like the clock is ticking by in a pool of honey that's slowing it painfully down.

This nervousness, or whatever it is, is really annoying the fuck out of Magnus.

Jesus fucking Christ, why can't he just fucking calm down? If Alec's parents do come, or someone he knows, it's not the end of the world. He needs to relax a bit more. He's going to give himself heart problems at his rate, and Magnus is so not dealing with his roommate having a heart attack in his presence. Not that that would actually happen, but whatever. Alec needs to fucking stop pacing before Magnus makes him.

"Stop the goddamn pacing," Magnus finally snaps, after being annoyed with the teen for several minutes. "They're probably not coming. Parents and friends are supposed to call ahead, and if they didn't they're probably not coming, so chill your balls."

Alec sighs, nodding. "I know, Magnus. I'm just so worried..."

Magnus sighs. "Why are you so afraid of them, anyway?"

Magnus knows it probably isn't a good story. Alec said they pulled out his lip ring, which is notably absent today, and Magnus doesn't know if that's the worst or the best. It may just be neglect that's causing Alec to worry, though that seems unlikely, as neglectful parents wouldn't even come in the first place. Magnus isn't sure, but maybe the long sleeves and jackets aren't just for a fashion (Psht, he wouldn't know fashion if it hit him in the face, and it will, if he doesn't stop being so goddamn anxious and annoying) statement, maybe it's to hide bruises and scars. Maybe there's more to Alec's odd behavior and mood shifts, his protectiveness, his general dislike of being touched than Magnus originally thought. Maybe Alec isn't just a spoiled little bitch. Maybe it's the exact opposite.

Alec looks down at the floor, hoping that if he doesn't look at Magnus he won't have to answer. If he doesn't answer, he won't have to talk about it. It's embarassing, to be honest, and he'd rather not remember all the things his parents have done to him. He'd rather not remember all the things his parents, the people whom were supposed to love him conditionally, did to him in their rage, their anger at the imperfect world they try so hard to make perfect for themselves. He doesn't want to think about all the anger directed at him, only him, their first child and only output for the hate they refuse to show in public, the hate that may ruin their image. If word ever got out about what they did, their reputations would crumble, as well as Alec's. He might not have much left, but he doesn't need anyone to know what's wrong with his family. What's wrong with _him._

When Magnus puts his arm around Alec's shoulder the band-shirt clad teen, he realizes that he's crying, just thinking of everything and what the consequences might be if he tells Magnus. He would hate it, he would probably be teased and tortured with it by some, comforted by others and just plain put in the light with no escape. He can't do that. He can't handle his world spinning out of control like that. He's likes being able to change things, he doesn't like having to follow orders from unreasonable people. It must be why he hates his parents. They take everything from him, an leave him broken and defeated _every time he tries to get away, everytime he tries to be himself._

Alec Lightwood wasn't born to be his own person.

"I'm sorry," Magnus whispers in his ear, squeeing his arm. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to know more. It... worries me."

Alec looks up, his tear-stained gaze meeting Magnus's soothing one. Alec smiles a little. "Thank you... I just... don't want to talk about it."

Magnus nods. "I can't promise I won't bring it up again, but... I'm here if you ever need to talk about it."

"Thank you, Magnus. I mean it. I've been a shit roommate... I'm trying to get better, but I'm still so..."

"Moody?"

"Difficult." Alec says, smiling slightly.

Magnus smiles. "Don't worry about it, I've got years of Camille to get me used to it. You're only slightly worse than her when the new fall season of fashion comes out. She's not too fond of herself in fall colors, so it's somewhat difficult to be around her. She works best in winter colors, cold and calculating..."

Alec laughs. He's glad Magnus is with him. He's glad that he's made something he would call a friendship, a friend that doesn't love him because he plays a sport or wears a band-shirt. Though if he and Magnus liked the same music Alec wouldn't complain...

Alec and Magnus are silent for a few moment, still pressed together, watching all the other students interact with their families and friends that have come to visit. There are hugs, kisses and pinches of the cheeks from the occasional grandparent. Camille's left with her boyfriend, whom posed as her brother to get her out. It's not until someone clears their throat behind them that they realize they're still pressed together, people-watching.

They break apart, turning around. Magnus breaks into a grin when he sees who it is, and Alec just blushes and pretends he wasn't enjoying Magnus's company as much as he was. His parents would be so ashamed... actually, screw his parents. Alec was enjoying Magnus's presence.

"Now, I don't know if you're aware, but this school has something of a code involving PDA." The man with silver eyes and matching hair says, smiling slightly.

"We were just hugging, Jem." Magnus says to his uncle, smiling. "I'm sure you'd know it if we were doing something more."

Jem laughs. "Good to see you, Magnus. Who's your 'friend'?"

"Alec Lightwood," Magnus introduces, "And we are, at the moment, _just_ friends."

Jem raises his eyebrows. "At the moment?"

Magnus grins. "Well, I was thinking that would eventually change..."

Alec's a bit taken aback, but not completely surprised when Magnus winks at him. In response, he rolls him eyes.

"Well, I'll go then, I hope you have a nice time on your day out." Alec smiles slightly, walking back to their room.

"I'll see you tonight!" Magnus calls after him.

"Tonight?" Jem asks his nephew.

Magnus shrugs. "We're roomates."

"Oh _God."_

_"Oh yes."_

* * *

It's not until he's back in the room that Alec realizes he was completely fine with Magnus touching him, holding him in his arms. It's progress, not even thinking about the past when something that would normally freak him out doesn't even cross his mind.

* * *

"So, how's school?" Jem asks, stirring his coffee. They're in a 50's style diner, complete with an ugly counter and checkered floor. The white cups that house the contrasting dark-brown caffein, booths with mint-colored leather and coffee ringed tables. Magnus, for one, likes it.

Magnus shrugs. "School's school. Classes are boring, I only have gym with Alec... It's my worst subject." Magnus pouts at the last part.

Jem laughs at his nephew's immature behavior, glad to see he's doing well. "And tell me about this Alec you seem infatuated with."

Magnus sighs. "It's... complicated."

"Oh?" Jem asks, willing his nephew to elaborate.

Magnus nods. "Yeah. He's only been here a week and a half, just started one day out of the blue, and he's..."

"He's what?" Jem prompts, curious. He's a bit surprised that Alec hasn't been around for very long and they already seem like good friends, but he doesn't bring it up. There's something special about Magnus, an air or an ego that makes you want to be around him.

Magnus sighs again, rubbing at his temple. "It's weird. I kind of get him but at the same time I don't understand anything about him. He gets really moody sometimes, and when he first got here it wasn't very good..."

"What happened?" Jem asks, intrigued at the thought of the boy who Magnus can't quite figure out. Magnus can usually get a good reading of people, so this is very unusual.

"Well, when he started, he didn't want to talk. Really, he didn't want to have any part in anything." Magnus explains, chuckling as he remembers their first encounter not even a fortnight ago. "He told Camille and I to leave him alone multiple times, with very colorful language, might I add."

"What changed?"

"I think... It was his first Saturday. Or maybe even the night before, when I got him drunk and got him to confess he's gay, I'm not sure whi-"

"Magnus!" Jem chastises, then sighs in defeat. Magnus will never stop being Magnus...

"Anyway, on Saturday he went out to see his baby brother, I think. I'm not sure, but he came back in a good mood. Come dinner, he was in a bad mood. I didn't notice it, but when I went up to talk to him, he wasn't very nice and I kind of... said some things."

"Magnus..."

"About his parents not wanting him, sending him off here. I didn't mean it to be too bad, just sting a little, but I guess I struck home because he flipped out." Magnus frowns, remembering being slapped. "He just was so toxic, and I couldn't help but want to give him some hate for being such an asshole."

Jem raises an eyebrow. "I thought you liked those?"

Magnus chuckles at Jem's bad joke, then decides to continue his story about Alec. "Anyway, Alec ran back to the room, and I came to apologize... and so did he. He doesn't have the best relationship with his parents, apparently. He told me his dad ripped out his lip ring once."

"He didn't have a lip ring." Jem frowns, thinking back on the boy.

"He didn't want to wear it in case his parents showed up." Magnus says, shrugging. "He seems terrified of them. Wakes up from a nightmare every other day, though I don't know if they're about that or not."

Jem nods. "That's unfortunate."

There's a moment of silence between the two of them.

"So, how's Tessa?" Magnus asks, trying to break the silence.

Jem grins. "Pregnant."

Magnus holds his mouth open in surprise for a moment. Then, as Jem expected, all Hell breaks loose from the excited part of Magnus's brain.

This is going to be fun.

* * *

Alec is relieved when Magnus comes back to school and the day is over. His roommate is excited, and Alec manages to make out that his uncle (more so his wife) is pregnant. He's happy for them, and pleasantly amused by Magnus's excitement. Alec's never had a cousin, like Magnus will be having in a few months, so he doesn't quite now how to treat the situation. Congratulating Magnus seems to be the easiest and best route to take, so he does so and is surprised when Magnus pulls Alec off his bed and begins dancing around the room with him to noiseless music.

It's like a bad spin-off of a waltz mixed with a tango, however that works. It's insane and ballroomesque, and Alec's laughing as Magnus spins him around, easily weaving them between books and furniture. Alec doesn't care that Magnus is touching him, doesn't even think about it. He's too caught up in the moment, and it's not until Alec trips on a misplaced article of clothing and falls, bringing Magnus down on him, that he realizes really, how close they are. They haven't known each other for very long, and barely know anything about each other but it doesn't stop Alec's heart from beating double time as he pants for air.

The two teens make eye contact, and they realize how it will look if anyone decides to walk in. Magnus straddling Alec, Alec's hand on the carmel-skinned teen's chest. They don't, in that moment, care, either. They stay in that position for what feels like an eternity but is probably only a moment, just staring into each other's eyes.

The hate Alec possessed when he first arrived is completely gone, and there's the kindness and hidden depth that Magnus likes much better. Magnus is content with where he is with Alec, for now, but he does want to know more eventually. He wants Alec to trust him. He wants Alec to be able to relax around him, he wants to be able to relax around Alec. Oh God. He _wants_ him.

Eye contact is broken when the dinner chime rings out, and Magnus pulls himself off the blue-eyed teen, helping him up. They walk, silently, to the room where they eat, both of them contemplating their relationship and what it is, what it can be. Magnus wants to be with Alec to learn more about Alec, and have someone, while Alec draws the same conclusion for a differnt reason. His parents hate that he's gay, they hate that abnormality and sin of his. He'll show them that he can be happy with another male, that he can create a good relationship. Besides, revenge has never looked better than it does in the form of Magnus Bane.

* * *

On Sunday night, Camille hosts another party after her night out with her 'boy-toy', as she calls him. He doesn't, according to her, know that they're not an exclusive relationship. She's screwing about half of the guys who sit with her at lunch. The other half is made up of Magnus, and Alec, who recently moved from his corner seat, and don't count as they're both gay. If they weren't, though, Camille would likely be screwing them as well. Hell, if Magnus didn't have his eye on Alec he would probably be screwing some of the same boys Camille is. They're not as straight as they like to pretend. Sex is sex, no matter who you get it from.

Magnus, personally, prefers tit-less relations, but will go for the odd girl.

But the party is an end-of-January thing, roughly two weeks before the "Sweet-Hearts Dance" on Valentine's Day.

Alec can hear the thumping music from a hallway or two down, and Magnus explains why it's louder than the other time Alec went to one of Camille's parties.

"Simple," Magnus responded, "On Friday, it's the talk, get drunk and possibly laid day. Saturday, which you've never been to a party on, is the recover and get laid again, and Sunday is the last taste of alcohol and rebellion before the week starts over again. It's Camille's system, and whenever other people host a party they usually stick by it as well. Unless it's a weekday, then it's anyone's guess as to what's going to happen."

"Hm..." Was all Alec had to say on that. When they finally get to Camille's room, true to Magnus's theory, there are more people than last Friday, more drunks and more people humping in the sea of dancing bodies. Alec can't do this. He can't be surrounded by all these people, touching them and letting them be so close... he can't do it.

He stares in horror at the crowded room, and all he can think about is how much he really doesn't want to go in there. He doesn't want sweat from a stanger mixing with his own on his skin, he doesn't want to feel someone else's body touching his. He doesn't want ot feel the burn of connected flesh, he doesn't want to relive the memory of the last time someone was that close to him.

He doesn't want to do this. He _doesn't_ want to do this. _He doesn't want to do this._

He _can't_ do this.

"Alec?" Magnus asks again, staring at his unresponsive roommate. Something's wrong with him, his eyes are glossed over and his breathing has become erratic. He's staring, but not seeing, all of the bodies wrappped around each other in dirty dances, grinding, flaming skin on flaming sin.

 _"Get the fuck off me!" Alec yelps, standing up like a bullet being shot and taking a couple steps away from Magnus with wide eyes and heavy breath. He doesn't want to be touched. He just_ doesn't want to be touched, goddammit.

Magnus relives that moment in his head, and how he went on to say Alec just didn't want to touch him because he's homosexual. Alec defended that it wasn't that... and if anything, this episode he seems to be having proves that. He's obviously terrified of so many people, touching each other. Really, going in there would gaurentee Alec being touched in some way, and probably in sexual ways as well. And from the look of things, Alec really doesn't want that.

Magnus sighs. He's going to miss a perfectly good party.

After frowning at his roommate for another second, Magnus grabs Alec's wrist, pulling him out of the doorway. Probably not the most tactical thing, as Alec jumps and rips his arm from Magnus's grasp. Alec turns his head away from his roommate, ashamed that he couldn't handle going to a simple party. He should be stronger than this. But he's not. He's not stronger than this, he's so useless. A wave of self-hatred surges through Alec, a feeling he's grown increasingly used to in the last couple of weeks.

"I'm sorry," Alec whispers, his voice hoarse as he struggles to hold back tears. Why does he have to be so weak? Why can't he be strong, just forget the past and move on? He can't let it consume him like this. He can't feel dirty all the time, he can't be so unnecessary. He can't hate himself enough.

A memory of the _incident_ flashes before his eyes, and his breathing stops as he stares at the image that won't leave him alone. A memory that ruined him, a memory that made him so useless and a memory he'll never forget, a memory that will always haunt him when he sleeps. A memory that will always make him scream in terror, make him beg for it to stop. But it never stops.

* * *

Magnus watches as his roommate breaks away from him, making quick eye contact before the blue-eyed teen turns his head away. Magnus sees the tears streaking down his cheeks, and he doesn't know what to do. Alec's mouth starts moving, but no sound comes out. He whimpers, and Magnus can finally make out the words repeating over and over on his lips.

_Stop, please stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop._

Magnus can't figure out what he should do to stop this, stop his roommate from freaking out so badly. He looks around for help, but everyone's in Camille's room. There's no one around, and he can't call anyone... fuck.

Alec screams, and Magnus starts, starring at the boy as he falls to the ground. Magnus catches him at the last moment, and he kneels on the floor with Alec in his arms, the blue eyes not looking at the present, but gazing into the nightmare he has had nearly every night since he got to this school.

The eyes close after what seems like an eternity of pain and torment, and Magnus guesses that Alec's passed out. Magnus stares at his roommate for a moment, before lifting him up bridal style and carrying him back to their room. This isn't something Alec's going to be getting out of explaining easily.

* * *

When Alec wakes, he first realizes he's in his bed. The next thing he realizes is that he has no idea how he got there. He remembers going to Camille's party and... oh God. He had a panic attack.

"You awake?"

Alec turns his head to see Magnus sitting next to him, magazine in hand.

Alec nods, because, yes, he is awake, and Magnus sighs.

"Good. I'd hate for you not to wake up," Magnus smiles at his failed attempt at a joke. "I'll get you some water."

Magnus gets up and leaves to the bathroom, filling one of the cups he has stashed in there with tap water. It'll have to do for now, and it's not as if the water quality is bad. It's not particularly good, either, but Alec will just have to live with it.

When Magnus comes back into the room Alec's sitting up in his bed, a thoughtful look on his face. "How did I get here?" He asks Magnus.

"I carried you," Magnus smiles. "It's a good thing you don't weigh too much, because I'm harldy in shape. Don't worry, I only dropped you twice."

Alec raises his eyebrows.

Magnus laughs. "I'm joking," He says, handing Alec the red-plastic cup of water. "I dropped you three times."

Alec can't tell if Magnus is serious or not, so he takes a sip of water. He's still a bit shaken up from the panic attack, and something seems wrong but he can't quite put his finger on it. It's like a hollowness he doesn't quite know exists but can feel the edges of. It's strange, and wrong feeling, but there's nothing Alec can do about it.

"So..." Magnus prompts. "Are you going to tell me what that was about?"

"Post-traumatic stress disorder." Or at least, that's what Alec assumes it is. He's not entirely sure, but it seems pretty accurate. Something stressful and painful happened, and now he's freaking out. Seems like a logical conclusion.

"I got that, silly." Magnus rolls his eyes. "I was wondering more about what caused it."

Alec doesn't say anything.

Magnus frowns. "Nothing? Fine. I'm going to Camille's party. I should be back later, but don't wait up."

Magnus walks out of the room, a bit pissed off at his roommate. Why can't Alec just trust him?

Well, whatever. He's going to get drunk tonight. Maybe he's going to fuck tonight, too. Alec, now, is irrelevant. He's just a waste of space, a locked box that Magnus can't open. And Magnus really hates it when he can't get into things.


	8. The Ghost of You

Magnus does end up getting drunk, but there isn't any fucking. When he gets back to Camille's party, he drinks enough fast enough that he won't have to think about Alec for the rest of the night, won't have to think about how much he just wants Alec to trust him. He's been patient, at least patient for him, and Alec not telling him anything is kind of getting on his nerves. He thought he was making _progress._ Apparently not.

Magnus _wants_ to fuck someone the whole night at Camille's, until he leaves, but he doesn't. No one has those puzzling, beautiful and scared eyes quite like Alec's. No one has the same dark curls, no one else has his rashly shoved-in lip ring. No one has his pale yet healthy skin, no one can stay out of the light yet be completely immersed in it like Alec can. No one gives him such a good mind fuck. No one makes Magnus want to make them scream like Alec does.

God, Magnus wants Alec.

He can't have him, either, because of the secrets, because Alec isn't a fan of waking up, especially in unguarded times. He's not going to be getting into Alec's pants any time soon, and Alec will probably never willingly give Magnus a kiss. At least, not with Magnus being so bitchy. But he kind of deserves to be bitchy; he's been putting up with Alec's shit for a while, hasn't he? Can't he just snap, like everyone else?

He wants Alec, and he can't have him. He wants to feel his cock deep inside Alec, moving in and out like it was made to do it, but that also means he wants to fuck someone with aphephobia. He's too horny for his own good, and for Alec's. He needs to get laid soon, and do it before he pounces on his roommate, which is inevitably a bad idea. But no one reminds him enough of Alec.

* * *

When Magnus leaves so abruptly to go to Camille's party, Alec feels a bit hurt. He didn't want Magnus to leave, he just wanted him to stop asking questions. He does enjoy his roommate's company, he's just not ready to talk. He doesn't know if he'll ever be.

He wants Magnus with him, he wants Magnus to tell him it'll all be okay even though he won't. It's his fault for pushing Magnus away, and he can't go get him, either. Even if he could bring himself to wander helplessly into a sea of writhing bodies, he probably wouldn't look for Magnus after a rejection like that, anyway.

He wants what he can't have.

He can barely stand to touch Magnus, really touch him, even though he wants to. He wants to hold Magnus's hand, he wants to share kisses with him and he just wants to be able to give him a hug without his skin crawling and rejecting the contact. He wants to wipe his mind of all hesitation, all disgust and all fear. He knows it won't hurt as much as he imagines, he knows it's irrational, Magnus won't hurt him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still scare him. It's stupid and Alec hates it. He wishes he could just handle it, throw himself on someone and touch them without thinking about how much it hurt the last time, when he was screaming and crying and begging for it to stop, and not think about how he just shut down as hatred burned through every other emotion, hatred and fear like a firey passion that even his disconnected mind could feel so strongly.

He can still feel that hatred, that desire to be loved and the simultaneous distaste for it, the fear. Hatred is boiled and cooked fear, and Alec is the best chef around. He's dishing out fear like sandwiches, licking his fingers of the sweet condiments and starting again with a fresh batch of hate. He wants, so badly, to be able to just create a wall and let no one in, like he maintained at first. But Max came and destroyed it like it was made out of sand, a smile and Alec's heart was swelling with adoration, a few smiles from Magnus and the hate remained, being served out at a slower pace as Alec got distracted by his light.

He wants so badly to has everything, to feel nothing, but he can't. He can't, and he hates himself for it. He wants something, someone to love. He wants to love so much, yet he's so scared Magnus or Max will reject him like his father did, scared he'll have to endure even worse. He lives with Magnus, in close quarters, so he can constantly be tormented by him, and the teen is popular enough to send his minions after Alec in his classes. Max might not go out with him, might take away that shining bright light. Alec, despite his wardrobe, loves that light.

He lives in the dark yet longs for a life where he can always be with the light.

But like darkness, he fades when the light is too strong, like Jace and Isabelle. They're not cute, or innocent, like Max. They're filthy, willing themselves to be dirty like Alec as they whore themselves out, enjoying it and moving on. It's too bright of a life, it's too much. The shining, bright and gentle light of his youngest brother is what Alec needs now. The sparkle and smile of Magnus is helpful and hateful at the same time, burning and soothing and destructively creative.

Alec wants to see Magnus again.

Alec wants to feel Magnus's skin on his, he wants his roommate to help him get over his fears. He wants to feel Magnus's hands all over him and not be afraid. Someday, it'll happen. If he works on it, it'll happen. After a while, he won't be scared anymore. Yeah, he just has to practice.

* * *

When Magnus finds his way back to the room, sometime in the early morning, he doesn't really expect Alec to be waiting for him. He also doesn't expect to be thrown down on his bed, in his drunken haze, and kissed by his roommate. At first he thinks it might be a hallucination caused by all the alcohol, or _something,_ but then it really hits Magnus.

He's kissing Alec.

Or, more accurately, Alec is kissing him. Magnus is sort of in shock, just lying there with wide eyes as his lips brush against the other teen's. Alec's lips are soft, and yet rough, sort of like his personality. He's warm, leaning over Magnus,their bodies almost touching but not quite. After a moment, though, Magnus begins to kiss back. He doesn't know what caused this, but he doesn't care. He likes the feeling of lips on his, and soon finds a way to flip them so he's on top of Alec. But as soon as they flip, Alec stops kissing him. It takes a few moments for Magnus to realize that Alec's stopped, as he's not in peak condition, but he pulls away once he has.

"Wh, what the fuck?" Magnus asks, the world blurry as Alec pushes himself out from under Magnus.

Magnus falls onto his back as Alec fleas to the bathroom, his head spinning as he hears an "I'm sorry," followed by the shutting of a door. He stares at the ceiling for a few moments, the world fading in and out of reality, before the uninteresting ceiling lulls him to sleep.

What a strange day.

* * *

Alec watches Magnus walk into the room, stumbling slightly, and he knows what he has to do in an instant. He pushes Magnus onto his bed, and the confusion in his roommate's eyes are clear as he brings their lips together, careful not to touch any other part of him. It's chaste, simple, just lips pressed against lips, but it's more than Alec can bear. He wants to pull away, he wants to cry, but he keeps kissing an unresponsive and drunk Magnus.

After what seems like an eternity in some kind of Hell, surely not the worst one he's been to, Magnus kisses back. Alec hates it, but maybe if he keeps doing it someday he'll like it. He can't pull away now, he can't do that as much as his heart pleads for it in his crawling flesh. He can't focus on Magnus's soft lips, all he can think about is the fear.

_He isn't going to hurt you. He isn't going to hurt you. He isn't going to hurt you._

Alec can feel himself relax just a bit every time he repeats the phrase to himself, as every moment passes and there's not a blinding pain. Just when he feels like maybe he could begin to relax, Magnus flips them and he feels a tidal wave of panic wash over him at an erratic and quick pace. He freezes, just letting Magnus continue to kiss him until the taller teen draws back, looking at Alec with a bit of confusion.

"Wh, what the fuck?" Magnus asks, and Alec lets a tear drip out of his damp glands. He pushes Magnus of of him, rushing to the bathroom as emotions rage inside of him. He's sorry he did this, so fucking sorry he decided to fuck with himself and his roommate this way.

"I'm sorry," he mutters, shutting the bathroom door with a bit of a slam. As soon as the door is closed he collapses against it, his mouth opening in a silent sob as he begins to bawl, his fear and all his past racing through the salty substance he leaks.

* * *

_"BASEMENT!" The father yelled, knocking his chair back as he stood up in a rush, walking over to his son. The son took a step back, fear filling the layered blue eyes that glistened with tears. The elder grabbed a fistful of his first born's hair, forcefully shoving the scared body along with him as he pulled towards the basement, a hidden place that wasn't spoken of. The boy knew the purpose, as did his parents, but it was a secret kept from the rest. Only the three so greatly involved would know, could be afforded to know. It was a secret place for a secret purpose, for punishment and undeserved beatings, for rage and hate to all be let free on an undeserving child. But alas, it was what it was and the son knew better than to resist as he did._

_As he tried to pull away, a hand smacked across his face, leaving a blushing mark as blood flowed to the tender skin of his cheek, not the only place where blood would be rushing to help wounded and bruised flesh soon._

_"I'm sorry," whimpered the son, defeated but still attempting for mercy._

_The father grunted. "I don't care if you're sorry or not."_

_Those words were steely cold on the younger's fear-cluttered blood pumping heart, a cold sting to the uneven beats. The teen had lost the battle, and he could already feel the cold numbness seeping into his soul, the sure-sign of defeat and the long hours of torture that were undoubtedly going to occur in the hours ahead._

_The father pulled his son back and threw him forward, forcing him to topple painfully and gracelessly down a flight of cement steps. The elder walked down the steps slowly, locking the deadbolt on the door as he did so. Only he was going to be getting out of the basement anytime soon, as the teen has unleashed the worst punishment upon himself, a punishment the father never thought they would get to. This was worse than the lip ring, or quitting all his sports. No, this had caused the cake to be taken._

_The older man sneered when he saw his son sprawled on the floor, gasping for the breath the tumble had forced out of his bruise-sporting chest. And just when he thought all the wounds were gone, too. It wasn't going to be a good night, that was for sure. It would be worse than the rest, little did the son know but he could certainly predict from the calm yet apparently aggressive rage in his father's eyes._

* * *


	9. Gone Forever

Magnus's head hurts. Even before he opens his eyes, he knows this day is going to be Hell. The splitting of his head, the ache… ugh. What happened last night? Those are questions for a time when his head isn't being attacked with a hammer, though. He just needs some water, an advil or three… fuck.

Magnus slowly gets up, taking his time as he makes his way to the bathroom, eyes half shut. When he gets there he bumps against the door, surprised that Alec's in there. His roommate tends not to go into the bathroom too often in the morning, or at least he usually keeps the door open, not counting his first day.

Maybe he just has to use the shitter.

Sighing, Magnus knocks, but he receives no reply. His head spikes with a nice, sarcasm to be noted, sharp lace of pain that kind of makes Magnus wish his head would just explode already and that would be the end of it. Ugh. The hangover is rarely worth all the drinking from the night before, and it wasn't exactly _happy_ drinking, either.

While the night is a bit shredded up in his mind, with holes in the fabrics of time every here and there, Magnus can certainly recall that he left Alec after he had a fucking _panic attack_ \- what the Hell had he been thinking? You don't just fucking _leave_ someone after their mind goes ape-shit on them, seriously, it doesn't matter how upset he was with Alec pushing him away! Leaving him alone was stupid, but Magnus just couldn't deal with the princess at the time. Still, he shouldn't of have left... what's taking Alec so long in the bathroom, anyway? He hasn't even responded. The shower isn't on (he would hear that, hung over or not), he can't hear the swirling flush of a toilet, nor is Alec's voice floating through the door in a harsh but somewhat careless way as it usually might.

Huh. Something's... Weird. Weirder than before, weirder than Alec just hogging up the bathroom like he's getting ready to dress in drag. Magnus needs in that room, and he isn't getting it consensually from the person inside. Magnus just needs to get into the bathroom, do his make-up in an acceptably unacceptable way, get out of there and find something that will magically cure his hangover. As if.

Though, if Magnus _did_ have magic powers, he'd make a hangover spell or someshit. He could probably make a good amount of money on that, actually... Now all he has to do is gain the damn magic powers. Like _fuck_ if that's ever happening. Ugh. Alec just needs to open the damn door... fuck it.

Magnus twists the door handle, not surprised that the door is unlocked, as no one ever really feels the need lock it, but there's some weight behind the door that makes it heavier than it should be. Magnus sighs again, leaning his shoulder against the door, and it slowly opens up as he pushes the door away from its closed resting spot. Dull resistance, and it takes Magnus a few moments to realize he's pushing an unconscious Alec away from the doorway, his roommate slumped on the floor, unawakening.

Alec's face is red and splotchy, and his brow is furrowed and his lips stretched thin and into a frown. His body is twisted uncomfortably behind the door, and he's muttering things Magnus can't quite make out. He suddenly screams, his fingers clawing into an unseen enemy, begging for whatever his mind is imagining to stop, but it doesn't, even when the screams become more similar to whimpers.

Magnus clutches his head, and not feeling very forgiving and at the end of his stick, kicks Alec none too nicely in the side.

Alec's eyes flash open in a mad terror, and he scrambles into a defensive position, and can't really see anything until his mind unclogs a few seconds later, only to see Magnus looking at him like he's insane. If Magnus only knew…

Alec gets out of the bathroom, leaving Magnus's questioning gaze and vocalized inquiries behind, changing into new clothes and exiting the room with his school supplies for the day. He can't think properly, his mind is cracking and tearing and there's just a gaping hole there that he doesn't know what to do about. He's empty inside, he's so fucking empty, and he knows with every breath he takes who made him like this, who set him on fire and he wishes he could lie and say he was always like this.

He wishes he were nothing, that all the people around him in the hallways he walks aren't staring at him, aren't fucking with his brain. What he wouldn't give to be like them, unscarred with no damage. He wishes he could be undamaged goods, that all the abuse, all the hate, all the pain he's been put through can just wash away like rain water running off the streets after a harsh downpour.

But there's nothing he can do.

There's no one he can turn to, no way he can forget. No way he can just dispel thoughts from his mind, actions from his past. He can't just sit down and lose everything that makes him who he is no matter how much he wants it. He's dying inside, trying to save himself, but he can't. It's time like now that he wants to just forget about staying alive to piss his parents off, he wants to end it. he can see himself lying on his bed, glassy eyed with a razor or shard of glass sticking unattractively out of his chest, blood pouring across his body and staining the sheets a dark color, a sickly sweet smell enveloping the room as he's just ended his life. He wants Magnus to find him, he wants Magnus and everyone at this fucking school to blame themselves even if they don't deserve it, because someone's got to feel his death on their hearts if his parents won't. He has to clench his fists to keep himself from going back and doing it, digging his nails into his skin so hard that he can feel it, he can feel the blood beading up on his flesh and a little river of it almost ready to fall.

Alec makes it to the dining room, and grabs an apple and sits down at the corner table he occupied when he first came to this god awful place. It's just so stupid, everything, the people, the classes, the dull roar of hate that's the gossip that fills the room, the unforgiving eyes that are in reality only curious, the confused smirks that translate to hateful glares in Alec's twisting mind. His mind is churning now, completely restructuring it to see everything as violently negative and hateful. He can't breathe under the pressure his head is placing on himself, the relapse he's going through. He's bent on destroying himself, unconsciously, and it's working. He's slowly breaking down around these people he's never pretended to like, he's falling apart and the climax of his self-destruction is going to be reached soon, too soon, if something doesn't change.

But something has changed, in an instant, as Magnus walks into the room, sunglasses in an attempt not to die from his hangover. He goes to sit next to Camille, and as Alec watches him, his mind stops spinning red. He just watches mutely as his roommate takes a glass of water and a coffee for breakfast, some eggs and flops down almost gracefully next to the blond bimbo that is his best friend. It would be graceful, no doubt, if his head weren't fucking splitting open, but it is.

Alec feels all the rage drain from him as his blood starts running quickly and coldly through his veings, chilling his hateful thoughts and freezing his body as he truly thinks about last night for the first time all morning.

He kissed Magnus.

He kissed Magnus and hated it in the strangest way.

He wants to hate it, he knows he hates it, he knows he won't be okay if he keeps torturing himself like this but he _wants_ to like it. He _wants_ to enjoy Magnus's lips on his, their bodies pressed together, but eh can't because of the fear and memory that consumes him every time he does. He wants the pain to stop when he _chooses_ to touch Magnus, even though it won't he wants to hate it in the most deliciously destructive way he can think of.

He wants more.

He wants more of what's undoubtedly awful, like a drug, because Magnus is most certainly the new drug that's been introduced into Alec's system. Alec wants Magnus all around him, he wants to feel his delicious skin but he can't, not really. He wants him, and he doesn't want the pain that comes with it, the flashbacks, and he can't handle it but he doesn't care. It's in no way healthy for Alec to want like this, but oh how he does.

Alec smirks. He's going to make Magnus want him, he's going to make Magnus claim him and he's going to make Magnus destroy him, tear him apart, bit by bit. God, Alec can't wait to use Magnus to destruct. He'll be Magnus's, then he'll fall apart at all the feelings and he'll hate it but he'll laugh as he disappears within himself never to return. He'll kill himself without killing anything, without destroying, but it'll be so wonderful. Alec's a masochist, and he knows Magnus is at least slightly sadistic from the kick this morning, so he'll unconsciously go along with Alec's uncarefully constructed plans. Yes, this is going to be perfect.

* * *

 _Trapped,_ by Alec Lightwood

_Hide in my trap_

_Find the mouse_

_Kill the prey,_

_Don't let them catch you!_

_Can you wait to burn?_

_Does it consume your mind,_

_Fill your heart with nothing but ideas of revenge?_

_Can you wait for the palace gates to fall,_

_Your walls to break into insanity_

_and take everything with them as you crumble_

_as you hardly lift a finger to destroy yourself,_

_as you allow control to be lost,_

_as you fight with yourself no battle at all_

_Can you let yourself go enough to die?_

_Can you call yourself strong enough to know how,_

_Weak enough to want it and submit to it_

_Can you let yourself be lost to yourself like I can?_

* * *

When Magnus walks into his shared room, he's not that surprised to see Alec there. There's been something wrong with his roommate, and now that Magnus is less irate, he wants to know what it is. There's a weird air in the room, a strange new chemistry that Magnus can't decipher when he's with Alec. Everything is off, everything has gone crazy and Magnus isn't quite sure what it is, but it doesn't matter.

Magnus misses the glint of insanity in Alec's eyes as he first sees his roommate, but when Alec grins Magnus is curious.

"What's up?" Magnus asks, lifting an eyebrow.

Alec smiles, such a strange and warped expression, but Magnus accepts it nonetheless. "Not much, actually. I was just thinking about last night."

Magnus furrows his brow. He can't remember much of last night, like his mind went through a blender as it usually does when he drinks so much, and he can't really remember getting back to the room. He remembers leaving Alec, pissed off, and from there the night gets less and progressively less clear. He remembers wanting to fuck someone, not fucking someone much to his displeasure, and warm lips on his and the entire sequence leaves him more confused than anything.

"What happened last night?" Magnus asks, a little scared for an answer. Alec probably doesn't know the full story, so he's not expecting too much of an answer, but Alec should know about when Magnus got back to the room.

Alec shrugs. "We kissed."

Magnus looks at Alec blankly for a moment, taking his time to put two and two together and reach the final conclusion that is four, the idea that they kissed now in his mind. _What. The fuck._

"We... we... we kissed? I thought you... but... Wait, then why were you in the bathroom this morning?" Magnus asks, still a little off guard. What the fuck. Just. Ugh. Magnus needs a minute.

Alec averts his eyes from Magnus's, biting his lip and contemplating how to answer. He _could_ tell the truth, of course, but that just seems stupid. If he deosn that, Magnus probably won't kiss him again and he doesn't want that.

"I panicked when you put your hand down my pants," he shrugs. "I didn't want to go that far, and I didn't really want to sleep with you still so intoxicated so close to me. No offense, I just didn't really want that much yet, especially not while you were drunk."

Magnus's eyes widen. "Sorry, I didn't realize..."

Alec chuckles, shaking his head. "No, it's fine."

Magnus bites his lip, thinking of Alec's words. His head snaps up as he replays them, realizing that Alec's... kind of, almost but not really flirting with him. Holy shit. "Wait, so you said you didn't want that much... yet."

Magnus watches Alec's response carefully, the light dusting of blush on his cheeks as he bites his lip. Magnus can't tell that it's a perfectly delivered performance, and that Alec really should be getting some kind of award for the mind fucking he's pulling off. Not only is he fucking around with Magnus in a serious sense, but he's simultaneously screwing himself over.

"Well, yeah, I'm not really into one-time things," Alec says, not looking at his roommate.

Magnus raises an eyebrow, thinking falsely that he has some control of the situation even though Alec's carefully pulling every string. He used to be so blunt, but since the _incident_ he's learned that just saying what you think, claiming what you want with no tact is dangerous and stupid.

"So you're interested in establishing a steady relationship?" He asks, a bit amused and not entirely believing that he has an opportunity to (eventually) get into Alec's pants. And he does want in those pants, try as he might to deny it.

"I wouldn't be against it," Alec says rather flirtily. _When did I become such a whore?_ He asks himself. _Oh yeah, this morning where I kind of went insane. Hm..._

"Well, would you be against going to dinner with me next Saturday night?" Magnus asks, testing his luck. He knows Alec is probably going to say no, but he also knows even if he does refuse his and Alec's current relationship won't be destroyed.

"I wouldn't, as long as it's after my visit with Max."

Magnus really wasn't expecting that, and he's happy but he can't help but feel there's something more than just a date to this to Alec. He's not worried, though, as long as he's careful with touching Alec everything should be fine. He'll just wait for a green light and everything should be okay, despite the bad feeling settling in his stomach or the slight distaste in his mouth.

But it doesn't matter, really, that Alec's acting a bit off. He's happy that he gets a chance with his roommate, a chance to find out what made him so weird. A chance to get in those skinny jeans, a chance to pull apart and examine different parts of his mind. Alec's not just a waste of space, he's come to mean a bit to Magnus in the last few weeks, and Magnus is glad for the opportunity for them to be more than friends. He didn't, honestly, think it'd ever come. He didn't expect it, really, and he didn't expect to be this happy about it, either. His mind is a jumble of mismatched thoughts, and he smiles at Alec while millions of things run through his head.

Alec stands up, and gives Magnus a nearly painful peck on the lips before he departs the room.

A simple kiss, like the chaste one he just gave Magnus, is something he can handle. It's slightly more intimate than just the taps and brief touches they share, but Alec clumps it with those in his mind. It's nothing like the kiss last night, the tongues trying to fund the end of each other's throats through their mouth, that sent Alec into a trembling flashback that was like nothing else, just repeating over and over and over as he slept, recurring and never letting him wake to escape the brutal reality that lives in his head.

He's going to die on the inside, via Magnus, and he can't wait.

Something's snapped inside of him, and he can't repair it. He's not sure he wants to.


	10. Give 'Em Hell, Kid

Alec goes to the school library after he leaves Magnus to his own devices, his mind a defunct whirl of chaos and organized insanity that he doesn't bother trying to escape. Much unlike the band, he can't seem to escape his fate. He's too far in for that.

When he gets to the library he doesn't bother to pull a book off one of the many sturdy shelves, or even give the pretense of studying. He's in the room to collect his racing head, to analyze what he's done and what he's going to do. He's not forcing himself to be someone he's not as he makes himself to self-destruct in one of the dirtiest, most disgusting yet strangely appealing plans. It's a deception, and more than enough lies for him to be occupied with, more than enough of him can be lost in this terribly risky game he's playing. It's a good thing he's only playing for the ill-mannered risks.

He's already los himself, or more so, he's already thrown himself away like the tormented, used up and filthy trash he knows he is. He's been walking a thin line since the _incident,_ since before that even, and now he might be falling off. He can't find the line, so he has no way to know if his balance is good enough. It took less than a month for the line that divided Alec's mind between insanity and whatever else to be gone with no trace or whisper off its previous presence. It's almost laughable how little time it took, how pathetic he is, but he's working on it.

He's going to stop being weak, he's going to make it so that burning inside of him is gone, but he's still defiantly left emptily alive yet still resistant, the perfect nightmare for his imperfect parents.

As long as Alec's internally deficient and not altogether there, yet externally healthy and rebellious, perhaps a bit blandly, he doesn't care. Alec wants his parents to be ashamed. He wants to spite them with his imperfections. He wants them to catch him with his tongue down Magnus's throat, maybe with other things in other places. He wants to prove his father's words wrong, that the words spat on him while he lost himself in the whirl of a hate-crime, won't ring through his ears in a terrifyingly ill fantasy of a perfect son.

Alec refuses. He refuses the ideals set upon him, he refuses to even be a _normally_ defiant teen. If his parents thought that he was bad before… he was practically a tame kitten compared to what he's going to turn himself into. His meek, self-conscious and blunt person is gone, purged from his behavior. He was shot by so many different kinds of bullets, again and again until eventually he had to change, compromise his old self for a new layer. He's like an ogre, or more specifically like an onion. Onions have layers, and so did Alec before they were brutally purged.

Before, he would have been too scared to go out with Magnus, much less in public. He would have put off being with him, he wouldn't even be doing such simple of things as listening to the music he's finally allowed himself to love. He wouldn't have worn skinny jeans without protest, much less nearly every day. He wouldn't have acted as anything other than what was expected of him.

But all of that changed, was obliterated like it meant nothing when he was finally called out on his false life. It took time, but slowly, Alec realized that if you hate something you can try and fix it, make it better than it'll ever be without help. All it took was a half Asian girl who'd developed a backbone and the booksmart jock was gone, replaced by a teen who dressed in black and wasn't afraid of himself, of what he was becoming. He was still strong enough to not be bullied, for the most part, and once he started using his brain to come up with quick and effective defensive insults it was hard to stop.

His parents hated it. They wanted him to change, go back to being 'normal' while he could still salvage some of his 'good' reputation. That wasn't going to happen, no matter how many fists connected with his already bruised body. He and the girl, Aline, became thick as thieves, and she was the first real friend he'd ever had, discluding Jace.

Most of his ex-friends stopped talking to him, of course they still occasionally talked _about_ him, same with his sister, who refused to be seen with him in public and he barely cared. It hurt a bit at first, but then he was almost glad to have them gone from his life. It was almost like he'd banished them with a magic spell. Besides, Isabelle spent a lot of time out being screwed by unanimous jocks. Jace hung out with him and Aline sometimes but not in excess. Jace didn't give a damn what Alec looked or liked, as long as he was still the same person and they got along decently. There were no fights about girls, which was another reason Jace didn't dislike Alec, and said so frequently in different, subtle ways. That didn't mean Jace's friends, Alec's old friends, thought the same.

So with a shrug from Jace and encouragement from Aline, he got his lip pierced. He brought a stud for it to school one day and got it done in the girls' bathroom just after third period. He loved it, though he only got to keep it for a day before a startled gasp from his mother alerted his father to the new hole in his face. Then he had to cover the side of his lip to hide the tear of wounded flesh that miraculously healed with minimal scarring. When Aline or Jace asked he told them he had tripped. He never told either of them about his father.

Then came the parties Aline took him to, despite his marred and rather tender face. There were always a million people he didn't know and more than enough alcohol to go around. The first party led them both to the conclusion that the other was homosexual, if the make out sessions with the same gender were anything to go by.

It was Aline that convinced him to come out to his parents. She was nearly as scared as he was, but she agreed to do it if he did, and they went their ways to tell their parents. He hasn't heard what happened to her after that, he didn't get the chance. He was locked in the basement he hates so much for a week, given meals once a day before the arrangement to ship him off to New York was made. He wasn't allowed to make contact, and he didn't try. The _incident_ changed him.

Being alone for a week, with only his thoughts for entertainment and fear to live off of it isn't odd that he didn't come out of that hole, damp with his own blood, completely the same person. Especially not after what happened in there.

People became irrelevant to him, everyone became useless and things he shouldn't get attached to. Things that could hurt him. His family was no longer his family. His siblings weren't his anymore. But it only took a trip to the zoo with an adorable little brother to melt the ice walls Alec knew would crumble at some point or another. Max broke him, just like Alec always seems to be broken so easily. Weak. He didn't grow stronger, even. He broke again, becoming more human-friendly, and he finally lost whatever it was that he had left.

It might not be the simplest story, nor was it the happiest, but stories that end the way Alec's planning on ending his are never simple or happy. They're always riddled with pain and they're always tempting death. It's the best sort of story to try to understand from the outside, the easiest and most difficult story for the detective who has to deal with the bodies. It's a story for those who hate flowery, long-winded confessions of love. It's for those who always want to keep guessing, for those who can't find all the deceits, lies and truths to count.

Falling in love isn't easy, it's brutal and painful and the worst thing Alec can think of. Surely, his mother must have destroyed herself by loving something like his father. He wants it, he wants it to take he life away from his eyes and leave a laughing mess of insanity and death in its path. He wants a not-so simple touch to kill him inside, he just doesn't want to feel anything as he takes everything in. He wants to be able to smell his own blood, and the blood of everyone he's going to kill. Everyone he's going to put out of their misery.

He wants to disconnect, he wants to keep up the pretense of a normal rebellious teen while he soaks death into his hidden mind, drinks up any affection and turns it rotten, spitting it out like venom. He wants to have a steady hate brewing in him, he just wants to feel what can't be felt, he wants to know what it's like to die, to live in the afterlife while his body spins and twirls like a marionette, carrying on his distorted legacy and finally ending the lives that should never have been lived as long as they have.

He hates how he is, how he thrives off his own pain and he sometimes wants it to stop, but it's an addiction and he's become too much of a masochist to care. He knows how to put his twisted dreams, his almost nightmares into reality and he's not going to stop. He's going to twist and twist until everything falls apart. He knows how to pull the final straw from his little bucket of sanity. He's going to sleep with, and try and fall in love with Magnus Bane.

* * *

Alec is absent from dinner that night, Magnus notes as he makes some small talk with his neighbors. He has popularity to uphold, after all. He wants to talk to Camille about Alec, about their upcoming date and his strange but undeniable happiness about it. It has him in a pleasant mood, but he doesn't want to share the news with anyone but his personal Barbie just yet.

He's excited to get a chance to try out his new roommate, worried about complications if things turn sour, worried about his roommate in general and embarrassed that he made Alec feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as him while he was shit faced. And Alec said he panicked when Magnus put his hand down his pants… Is Alec a virgin? Or does he just not want to move so fast?

Or does it have something to do with Alec's fear of being touched?

It's a lot to consider, and Magnus can't, for the life of him, imagine cold-hearted Alec being romantically involved with anyone. Even seeing himself with Alec is a bit of a stretch. He can kind of imagine Alec not being a virgin as well, he seems off. Magnus can't decide with given facts, and Alec's not given any hints… Hm. He'll have to find out.

"You there, Glitter Boy?" Camille says as she takes a seat next to Magnus, a singular, perfectly shaped eyebrow raised.

Magnus nods, taking a bite of salad. "Yeah. Just thinking."

"About what?" Camille asks offhandedly, cutting up her food to bite-sized pieces.

"I asked Alec out today," Magnus says, trying to sound somewhat disinterested.

Camille nearly spits out her food. "You… _what?_ "

Magnus shrugs. "It's weird. He was flirting with me, acting a bit off and then I find myself asking him out on Saturday."

"Did he say yes?"

Magnus nods. "Yeah, and I want to go, so I might need some help with my wardrobe."

Camille smiles. "I'd be honored."

They let it rest at that.

* * *

The week passed oddly, and as the days passed Magnus found it harder and harder to ignore that sinking feeling in his stomach. There's something wrong with him and Alec, how they're behaving. They're both perfectly respectful of each others' space, and they hardly touch but while they're somewhat normal they're so… not.

It's weird, to be so happy yet so wrong, so completely at odds. They're both happy about the upcoming date, in varying degrees, but it feels completely off. It can't really be described, but they both feel it. They both feel like they want to explode, yet they both stay far away from the detonator, they both stay safe. They're constantly invading the other's mind, thoughts are always clouded and unclear.

Alec is scared. He's terrified, but he doesn't want to pull out. He can't, he can't ruin his chance to lose what he so desperately wants gone. He knows there are other ways, but he doesn't want to go the other ways. He wants Magnus to be the one to drain the light from his eyes, he wants… he wants the entire world. He's so greedy, he knows he is but he's not going to change. He should be allowed to be greedy, after what he's been through. He deserves to go a bit insane, he should be granted the right of having tainted blood on his hands. Three cheers for sweet revenge, terrifying yet consuming.

Magnus, as the week goes on, becomes more and more anxious for the date. He can't stress how odd everything, and a part of him just wants to call it quits with Alec. Stop whatever's going on, because there's certainly something. Hardly a handful of words have been exchanged between them, but Alec always seems to be off in some fairytale world or another, or maybe it's no fairytale at all. But there's something wrong, and it's consuming him. Whatever happens on Saturday, it's going to change things. But anything's better than this melting shell of normalcy, right? The worst that can happen is a fight, and then Magnus can just kick Alec out of the room, or he can leave himself for a while and then they'll work things out.

* * *

Alec takes a taxi to his brother's school, and is happy to see the kid and one of his friends. He's glad that Max seems to be doing well, but it's to be expected, he's been in New York for a year already. Max smiles at him, as he gets into the yellow cab, and Alec feels himself relax. This is Max. Max as no real secrets, few real worries and is easy to get along with. He's a child, in the best sense of the word, selfish sometimes but cares for the people he notices and accepts. He accepts Alec, doesn't care that his older brother isn't allowed to live at home any longer, he's in the same boat.

There's no reason for Alec to guard himself around Max, and as long as they don't talk about family being with him is always refreshing, it always manages to make Alec think more about his life and what he wants for himself. They go to Central Park, and even while Max and his friend screw around and have fun they're not really there. They're in Alec's mind, the wheels turning as he tries to live in the lights he's made. But there aren't any lights besides this kid, not really. Maybe using Magnus is wrong. Maybe revenge isn't worth it, what if his plans ever hurt Max…?

There are plans in his head, plans of murder, that would directly effect the child. Plans that could put out the innocent light in his eyes, plans that could land the nine year old in the asylum Alec should be checked into. They'll put him on medicines Alec should be taking, ruin his future… Alec can't do that. He'll stop. He won't hurt his brother like that. But Magnus won't effect his sibling, it'll effect Alec directly and then… What? What comes next? After Alec's empty, what does that mean for everyone else? His parents would be disappointed, and nothing brings him more pleasure… He needs to do this. He needs to use Magnus like one would use a credit card; thoughts of only now and little idea about the long-term aftermath. He _needs_ to do this. He has to.


	11. Goin' Down

Alec's different when he comes back from his day with Max, as he always is. Except this time he's not brimming with joy, he's not smiling and there's little happiness on his face. Maybe something happened, Magnus supposes, as it always seems to. Maybe Max told him not to go out with Magnus, if Max asked Alec surely would listen, or maybe Max was just his usual self, however he is, as Magnus has never met him, and Alec is finding dating Magnus itself a bad idea. Max always does make Alec think, really think, and to Magnus his roommate always seemed to come out of the day just a bit better than before, always just a bit less broken. But not today, or maybe today is no exception.

Alec's certainly lost in his head, and it's not like when he first came to the school, when he was gruff and angry, and Magnus supposes, scared. His eyes are almost glossed over, seeing everything yet taking so little in. He's not angry, he's not curt. He's confused and trying not to let it show, he's trying to ward off sadness and failing. He's not okay, not right now.

Despite this, Magnus doesn't comment, just gets into the outfit Camille helped him choose for the date. He reminds Alec, who wears a troubled look as he changes clothes. He puts the finishing touches on his make up and pulls Alec out to the cab.

"So, how do I look?" Magnus asks as they get into the taxi, and it takes Alec a moment to realize he's being talked to. He blinks, then smiles.

"You look nice. Really fucking nice." He says with a grin, and the flirty Alec is back. It's odd, and Magnus can see that some of the looks are forced but he accepts it all the same. He doesn't care as much about Alec's mind ass his body, and as long as they get there relatively soon Magnus will be content with their relationship. It's selfish, sure, but Magnus is certain that what Alec is looking for might be for himself as well. They're both selfish, but they're both content to use each other in whatever ruse of a relationship they concoct.

The cab takes them into the city, to the same diner Magnus was at with his uncle a only week ago, where they even talked about Alec. But it's a nice enough place, not too formal but still fitting for their-well, Alec's- clothes, and it's not expensive. Magnus uses a lot of his money on clothes and makeup, and Alec's been cut off since he came out. He's been using the money he had hidden away in his room (saving up for a laptop) to take Max out, and it'll run out soon if he doesn't get a job.

Difficult topics are avoided as they make their way through the date, and there are too many awkward silences to count. But by the time their food comes, they've finally built up a steady conversation and gotten a metaphorical feel for each other. They don't have too much in common, they like the same food and Magnus will admit to liking some of the bands Alec does and they both share a general disliking for sports.

They're mismatched, together a quilt of strange and random patterns that is loosely stitched together without care at some points, at others firmly stitched with a perfect pattern as Alec's side seems to eat up Magnus's. They don't really work, but they would if they weren't trying so hard. They're a piece of clockwork that won't work because the gears are too tight.

"So, how was your day with Max?" Magnus asks as they order a slice of pie to split.

Alec looks troubled for a moment, but nonetheless answers with a smile. "It was good. I took him to the park again, he likes it there. His friend came too, and they messed around for a while. I think it's good for him to go out with me, someone he's known for his whole life, to prove to him that he still has family that cares."

There's silence for a few moments.

"Your parents don't care for him?" Magnus asks, slightly interested in the family structure of his boyfriend.

Alec sighs, shaking his head. "No, not really. All they care about are their perfectly manicured lawns and white picket fences. Appearances. If you aren't perfect, you get sent out here and you're supposed to make yourself better. If you are, they'll take you back, but if you don't you're stuck here."

"Won't they run out of children?" Magnus asks easily, trying to lighten up the mood.

"No, they won't. I have a brother and sister with them and they're virtually perfect. Popular, good at sports, beautiful... And it's really them, too. It doesn't matter that they sleep around, or always get high with their friends as long as the public doesn't know about it. They might be slightly rotten inside, but as long as they _seem_ perfect there's no problem. It was strange that I stayed as long as I did..."

"What was the final shove?" Magnus inquires, resting his elbows onto the table and setting his chin over his intertwined hands.

"I... I told my father I'm gay," Alec answers, his face completely devoid of all emotion. "That pushed him over the edge."

"So that was it? He got you a plane ticket and you were gone?"

"I wish," Alec says before he can stop himself.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing," Alec says, looking away from his roommate. "Look, the pie's here. So what did you say your favorite color of nail polish is again?"

* * *

They take a cab back to the school, and it's a bit awkward as they get back to the room. There's no kiss by the porch light, for reasons that should be obvious to those who haven't lost their marbles completely, (if you have one to spare please send it to Alec) but you can practically feel the kiss coming. Alec is trying to prepare himself, so he doesn't completely lose it on a kiss, and Magnus is deciding when to do it, because it doesn't seem like his roommate is going to take the initiative.

It ends up happening with just the brush of hands, and then Magnus has Alec pulled against his body, their lips connected and moving. Alec's a bit surprised at first, and his first instinct is to push his roommate away, but he doesn't, he copies Magnus's mouth and somehow they're kissing. There are only layers of clothing between them, and Alec has to fight for control of himself. He's freaking out, but he's somewhat enjoying it at the same time. He has to kiss Magnus, and it has to seem like he's enjoying it, and with this simple kissing it's not as hard as he expected. It's not as bad as last time, though he still has to fake how much he enjoys it. He can feel Magnus's erection slowly starting to press into him, and he needs to manage one of his own. He needs to. If he pretends, he'll get more. And if he gets more, he'll finally break. He _needs_ to break. He needs to lose his mind, get himself so lost he won't be found, so lost no one will ever bother looking, they'll all just disown him and he'll be _nothing,_ insignificant and in no need for company. He'll be everything and nothing all at once, defiance and compliance all sealed together in the ultimate paradox. He'll be _perfect._

As long as he keeps fighting off his memories of the _incident,_ then lets them overtake him at the right moment, he'll be one crazy motherfucker. One crazy motherfucker that can be the disgrace to his family, the black sheep, the one who does his own thing consequences be damned. He hates his father, and he wants to become a symbol for everything his father hates. Black picket fences on the house he squats in, maybe a heavy metal singer or a fucky job at _Walmart_ for the rest of his life. He doesn't care about being anything, he just cares about being _everything._

They'll never fucking take him alive, he'll get that fucking erection and keep it.

* * *

Magnus didn't _mean_ to grab Alec and start eating off his face. Well, he kind of did, but he didn't think it'd be so soon. First date, and he can hardly control himself. And for all of his flaws, feeling Alec against his body is pretty damn awesome. He has a muscled body, not too much, but it's definitely there. Oh God, he's using tongue. There's little fight for dominance as Magnus takes charge, his hands pressed against Alec's back, squeezing them together. He can feel himself getting turned on, and he can slowly but surely feel Alec returning the favor.

Magnus's hands wander down further, and rest on his butt, kneading the flesh though Alec's skinny jeans. They keep on kissing, and Magnus notes that his boyfriend, which feels odd but right to think, is kissing like there's no tomorrow. Magnus wonders if he can get him to screw like there's no tomorrow.

Feeling a bit adventurous, Magnus pulls up on Alec's leg, and soon finds it wrapped around his own thigh as the dark-haired teen presses himself even further against the glitter bomb. They're rubbing against each other now, and Magnus can't hold in a moan as the bulge in Alec's pants presses against his own. Magnus starts kissing along Alec's jawline, sucking on his neck and creating a purple mark.

Blue Eyes lets out a whimper, and Magnus takes hold of both his thighs and carries him to his bed, laying him down on his back as their mouths reconnect for a second before Magnus pulls off Alec's shirt. He takes a moment to look at the creamy and muscular skin, then starts kissing along it, and earns a gasp from Alec as his tongue slips in and out of his belly button.

Magnus's hand trails down to Alec's pants, and slowly starts to unzip the sipper.

"S-stop!" Alec cries out, causing Magnus to look up at him in alarm. "I c-can't..." There are tears in his eyes, and Magnus backs off right away.

"I'm sorry," Magnus says, looking at his boyfriend in surprise.

There's silence for a few awkward moments, until Magnus decides to break it.

"Are you a virgin?" He asks.

"No... Not really."

Magnus cocks an eyebrow. "You sure?"

Alec sighs. "Yeah. I was there."

There's silence again for a few minutes, and Magnus tries to lose his erection by ignoring it, but it seems to want to stay. Damn, he's going to have to take care of it himself.

Just as he begins to sigh in defeat, Alec pulls him up on the bed and straddles him.

"I can at least do this," The lips part for the words and as Alec's hand massages his dick through his pants he doesn't care as long as he doesn't stop. Why should he care if Alec won't let him go down on him? It's his roommate's loss, not his. It's not as if giving a blowjob is very fun.

Magnus sharply intakes a breath as Alec pulls off his skinnies, the cold air hitting his member and sending a vibration of pleasure rolling over his body.

Alec stares for it for a few moments, before coming to some decision and hesitantly licking the tip. He does it again, just like a lolipop.

It feels good, but _fuck_ Magnus wants more, not just a few licks. "Stop teasing me," he grits out as he tries not to moan as Alec's tongue once again innocently licks at his dick. God, he's such a tease. Magnus can feel himself getting continuously harder, blood pumping through the appendage and just wanting to burst out, and with just a little more pressure he might-

Magnus gasps as Alec's mouth engulfs him, pleasure shooting up his spine like a wildfire. Dangerous, uncontrolled and greedy. His boyfriend's mouth goes further and further down his shaft, and as he looks down it seems that Alec has eaten him all up, he's disappeared into a cavern that is pressing a suction on him, sending shocks of need and bliss through him as his roommate's tongue adds pressure to the bottom middle of his cock.

Alec's eyes are closed, but by this point Magnus doesn't really care to look at them. Watching himself getting sucked off by a head of dark hair and pale skin is enough, or so he thinks, but as soon as Alec's eyes open and they connect he's coming, his fingers curling into the sheets as his head tilts back and his jaw remains slack.

He lets his orgasm wash over him, the build up leaving a temproary, but nonetheless great, mark in his mind.

* * *

Alec pulls off of Magnus, wiping at his mouth. Despite cum tasting disgusting, he swallows what comes into his mouth. It may be only the third blowjob he's ever given, but he was told that swallowing is appreciated.

He was too weak to get one himself, have someone close to his privates, and he's ashamed of that, but at least he could get Magnus off. At least he was stong enough not to freak out, and be sane enough to go through with it. Blowjobs are sometimes like foreplay, right?

He doesn't really know, as he's never _really_ had sex, foreplay and all, but in some of those yaoi's he's read it sometimes happens... but who knows, really? If he can give a blowjob, and remain hard through it, it means he's one step closer to being able to remain hard during sex. Real sex, not the lesser oral version.

"God, you're good at that," Magnus says, smiling at Alec.

Alec chuckles, despite his nerves being totally fried from giving that blowjob. H emight need time to recuperate... _No!_ He needs to rush in with this, just do it, have sex with Magnus and break already. He needs to destroy himself... He needs it. Doesn't he? Yeah, he needs to become the perfect contradiction, spite his parents...

_Why do you need to do that?_

He needs to do it to prove that he's not like them, that he'll never be! That he's his own person, that he's frustrating and everything they hate...

_Then why not just try and be happy with Magnus? You'll get the same end result, won't you? They'll hate you, hate what you are and if you're happy with him and stay with him... with any man, really, their interference won't change anything. They might not even interfere. Maybe they just won't care._

But he needs them to care. He needs them to care enough to be frustrated, to hate him... He doesn't want them to just look at him and whoever he's dating with impersonal and cold eyes, or even just indifference... He doesn't want that.

_(You want to be loved.)_

No, he doesn't. He just wants...

_(To be loved.)_

That can't be it, can it?

Can it?

"Alec?" Magnus asks, breaking his boyfriend out of his spell.

"Huh?" He asks, his eyes taking a moment to wake up and recognize the real world.

Magnus chuckles. "What's got you so spacey? And where the _Hell_ did you learn how to give a blowjob like that?" _  
_

"A party."

Magnus lifts an eyebrow. "You learned how to do _that_ at a party? What kind of party does that?"

Alec shrugs. "The kind I sometimes went to with Aline."

"Aline?"

Alec sighs. "She was my best friend."

"Fag hag?"

"Lesbian."

* * *

 _Breaking Easy_ by Alexander Lightwood

_I thought I could fly-_

_But I couldn't._

_I thought I could swim-_

_but I only drowned._

_I thought I coulud breathe-_

_Only to choke._

_I thought I could die-_

_But I lived._

_I thought I was easy to break-_

_But I can't even break myself._

_I thought I wasn't living-_

_But I am._

_I thought everything was destroyed-_

_But it became perfect._

_I thought that I was empty-_

_But I just had to fix a leak._

_I thought I was gone,_

_But I'm finding bits and pieces of me_

_scattered out on the hot desert sand that protects my shattered mind._

* * *

Magnus and Alec slept in seperate beds that night, and Magnus was decidedly happy to have Alec as a boyfriend. That was one of the best fucking blowjobs he's ever gotten, thank you very much. Seriously, where the fuck did that boy learn to do all that?

A party with his Lesbian friend, right. Uh-huh. Sure.

_He's probably just had a lot of practice._

Magnus frowns at the thought, feeling somewhat possesive over his boyfriend. He supposes that is normal, as they're boyfriends and everything, but he's still jealous of all the guys that undoubtedly got a piece of Alec's ass. Dammit.

Sure, Magnus may or may not (Read: May) have slept around a bit, but that doesn't mean he's just hunky-dory with the thought of his boyfriend doing it. Fuck. Why does he even care? It must be a dating thing. He's never really dated before, didn't see the point if his relationship would be like his parents', and jealousy must be a part of the packaged deal.

Sex is awesome, undeniably. Sex almost whenever you want it (and sometimes even when you don't) is even better. But does the deal break even? Spending time with each other, helping each other through life, being a shoulder to cry on, falling in love?

Magnus doesn't know. Being around Alec often drives him insane. He loses his temper, gets annoyed with him... And there's got to be areason for it, for his panic attacks. If they keep in this "relationship" funny business, he'll probably find out what. He's not sure he wants to, if it's bad enough that Alec is afraid of most human contact...

Thinking on it, he's pretty surprised by how much Alec let him touch him. Kiss him, hold him... Go down on him. With his fears, that's probably no small feat. Maybe Alec doesn't sleep around, maybe he did learn how to give a good blowjob at a party or whatever.

_And maybe that boy likes you more than you think._

But Alec doesn't 'like' people. In all the time Magnus has known him, which is really only a month or so, he has barely indicated his feelings towards individuals. It was at first the 'get the fuck away from me', but then he became impassive. He'd talk to Magnus, or Camille more than anyone else, but only because they'd start the conversation.

With his recent shift in attitude, he was more or less the same. Just more flirty around Magnus...

Shit. He might actually like Magnus, and Magnus is just laying him...

Oh well.

* * *

Once he was sure Magnus was asleep, which took a fucking long time, Alec crept into the bathroom, shutting the door. He took off his clothes and stared at himself in the mirror.

Muscles. Creamy-smoothe.

Faded bruises and nearly healed light-pink cuts on his wrists, barely visible.

Dead eyes, alive only with the confusion and hate sparked by his parents and Magnus.

Healed over scratch marks on his upper inner thighs and the bottom of his butt.

A tired, hollowed face.

Is this how other people see him? Is this disgusting figure what people see, what Magnus wants to be with?

How strange.

It's odd, how when he looks in the mirror he doesn't like what he sees, but he doesn't feel any malice or hate towards his body. He doesn't feel anything for this shell of his. It's unimportant to him now, other than the bare minimum of trying to be presentable.

He can see the ugly parts of his body now, he can see allof it and yet there's indifference seeping through his mind. He should care. He knows Magnus cares, but... it doesn't matter, does it? Does it really? Should superficial things like this matter to anyone?

They shouldn't.

They shouldn't matter at all, they shouldn't be something people depend on. Alec doesn't care what the person who's going to destroy him looks like, as long as they can get the job done. As long as what they have on the inside is just rotten enough.

Is Magnus rotten?

Yes. It's silly to believe otherwise, because Magnus started to rot the day he started to care more about looks than personality, and if he's with Alec, it mustn't be for he insides, his mind. He wants his body, for reasons Alec can kind of understand. His body is probably acceptable, for as much as he used to hate it.

Magnus is rotten.

But rotten is good, rotten is just what Alec wants. It's what Alec is.

Maybe they're perfect for each other, in that sense.

* * *

Magnus and Alec hold hands as Magnus leads them to Camille late in the morning, Alec sporting one of his band shirts and one hell of a hickey.

They reach the dining hall and get their food before going over to their usual table, plopping down next to a slightly hung over looking Camille.

"Good night, dear?" Magnus asks, lifting an eyebrow.

Camille groans. "I think there was an orgy in my room."

Magnus laughs. "So it was one of _those_ nights."

Camile sighs, nodding. "Yes, it was."

"Aphrodisiac in the drinks," Magnus whispers to Alec, then turns to Camille. "Have fun?"

Camille rubs her temple. "No, not really. There's no one _new_ or even _interesting_ left here. We need some new students... Hot students, to stir things up."

Magnus laughs. "We've got Alec here," He says, squeezing Alec to his side.

Camille flicks her hand. "He doesn't count. He's gay, and by that hickey I assume still taken... Do you think you could start a love triangle so there'd be some interesting drama? Life here is so boring."

Alec can almost chuckle at that.

"I'm sure there'll be something happening soon," Magnus comforts. "It's not like the whole school isn't going to be in an uproar over Brad asking Ashley to marry him by tomorrow,"

Camille nods absentmindedly, then spins her head back to look at Magnus. "What?!"

"Kidding, dear."

"I hate you," Camille growls.

"Yes yes, I know. On to more important matters. You have dirt on someone, I just know it."

Alec leaves a few minutes later, uninterested by Camille and Magnus's boring chatter.

"Ugh, he's finally gone!" Camille mutters.

"Hey, that's my boyfriend you're talking about!" Magnus defends, a light smile on his lips.

"Yeah, yeah, cut the crap," Camille says, flicking her wrists as to throw all the 'crap' away. "I want the details of last night, _now."_

"It was awkward for a while," Magnus shrugs. "We got talking. We don't have too much in common. He got touchy about his family again... I swear, they were abusing him or something. Anyway, we came back here and I got a blowjob for my troubles."

"No sex?" Camlle asks, raising an eyebrow. "I think you're losing your touch."

Magnus sighs. "I didn't know if he was ready. But by the way he gave that blowjob... I bet he is."

* * *

Alec does, of course, realize that now is likely his scheduled break down time. But for some reason, he just can't. He can't find anything wrong with his lips having been wrapped around Magnus's dick, he can't find anything uncertain or hateful about him being in between Magnus's legs.

Magnus pulled him out of a crowd, away from the danger when he was having a panic attack. Magnus might lose his marbles sometimes, but everyone does. Magnus has never been violent, or hateful to him, not really. He's been pissed off, but people do tend to get pissed off with Alec. It's recently become a fact of life.

He's aware that he's rather difficult.

He's also becoming aware that he feels something towards Magnus. It might be trust.

He hasn't really trusted someone since Aline, which wasn't that long ago, but it felt like years. It feels like it's been years since he's been using a tongue that isn't twisted and venomous. Maybe he's been lying to himself for so long that he's forgotten how to tell the truth.

But does it matter?

* * *

 _Thoughts_ by Magnus Bane

_Thoughts that swirl in my head_

_And I can't help but to wonder_

_Are they lies?_

_Words spoken or thought,_

_Both can lie, both can twist,_

_Both can kill._

_Thoughts,_

_Thoughts of present and past,_

_Future and fate,_

_Lanterns haunting an empty road_

_A ghost on an aboandoned heart,_

_A fake love in a chilling river,_

_What does it mean,_

_Should I? Could I?_

_Surrounded by fears,_

_Cut into by uncertainty,_

_Is it worth it?_

_Lie to me._

* * *

The next weekend Alec and Magnus go to the Valentine's Day dance, or the Sweetheart's Ball, and it's relatively boring. Alec puts on a button up shirt and calls it formal while Magnus decks himself out in nearly a pound of glitter and comfortable yet fashionable clothing made for the elite. (Read; Those with money.)

Alec gives Magnus another blowjob, because he still isn't strong enough to destroy himself much to his annoyance, and it starts to frustrate Magnus. Not Alec's inability to destroy himself, he doesn't know anythign about that, butthat Alec won't let Magnus get him off.

As soon as Magnus goes anywhere near Alec, positions are switched and he's getting something, not the other way around. He shouldn't really care, but he does. It makes him feel kind of used, though he should be feeling the opposite. He wants to do something for Alec, but it's like he isn't allowed. Like he's not worthy to touch him or something.

He doesn't like the feeling, and he wants to change it.

* * *

"Hey Alec, why will you never let me touch you?" Magnus asks the first monday after the dance.

Alec is silent for a few moments. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play stupid. As soon as I come close to touching you, you distract me."

Alec sighs. "I just... I don't know."

"Can it change? I feel bad about it."

Alec is silent for a few moments. "You're saying you want sex?"

"More or less."

"Then... This Saturday. I'll have sex with you."

* * *


	12. Romance.

The next week is shallow and uncertain, terrifying and unweilding, yet filled with grins, giggles and the occasional unheard laugh of a madman.

Magnus is excited, in his own refined and harsh way. He's decided he wants in Alec's pants, and he's getting there. No heavy emotions seem to be involved, but there still there if he choses to explore them, but can be disintegrated if he chooses not to. He knows this relationship is somewhat of an insane scam, that can be easily destroyed or built. They're not that far in yet, and to Magnus, sex is simply that. Sex. If he wants a true relationship, that's something that comes with trust and love, something he surely doesn't feel for Alec.

Surely.

But, like any good gay best friend, he tells Camille that he's going to do it with his roommate (she asks if they're going to elope, naturally, and if she can come.) after Alec's weekly visit with Max. He fancies himself and Alec ready for it, ignoring that little voice in his head telling him it's too early. He doesn't _really_ care, does he? Should he?

Magnus has one foot jammed in the door while the other one is free to roam as far as it can. He wants to have sex with Alec, (actually, he really just wants to have sex) he's well aware of it, but he's hesitantly afraid of how it'll alter things. It's intimate, and something he has done with many nameless people, but none of those people are so... _Alec._

Whatever. It's not like he cares. But... the dark haired teen has to admit that he likes this newer Alec, the one he's just starting to see. He's smart, occasionally shy and sometimes the words that fly from his mouth make Magnus doubt his sanity, in neither a decidingly good or bad way. Alec's overpowering sometimes, his eyes glinting with something unknown, and then he fades back and Magnus kind of likes the unpredictability of it all.

He'd not perfect, but to Magnus he doesn't seem _bad._ He just seems kind of... off, but whatever. Magnus has more important things to think about than his boyfriend, especially since Stacy Tyler and Drew Adams just broke up for reasons unknown. That's the only kind of important, or even seemingly relevant, mystery in his life. And if turning a blind eye to whatever is mucking up Alec, then... it is what it is. His feelings are too mixed about the ever-changing blue eyes.

* * *

All week long Alec's mind is stuck in a chaos that he despises.

He's scared. He's so, so scared. He really wants it, to have sex, but now that it's a possibility… he's not sure. He wants to do it, the theory is perfect, but will the result match his hypothesis? If it doesn't, he's screwed, both in literal translation and metaphor. His fears about this shouldn't change anything, and though they're rather logical he still _hates_ having them. He hates being so weak, so afraid to destroy himself while equally afraid to remain somewhat intact. He shouldn't be so afraid, this is what he wants. Where's all that determination, that cowardly bravery from just a week ago? He can't help, though, but to be scared.

He doesn't get it, the way his morals are creeping back to him. He's not a virgin, not really, but he can't help but to think the way he was taught, that it should matter. If he wants to have sex, it shouldn't be about revenge or hate… It shouldn't be to spite his parents. It should be about him and the other person… about him and Magnus. He _trusts_ Magnus to some extent, he's the only person that even comes close to gaining his trust in such a way, and he wants and doesn't want to have sex with him and he just _doesn't fucking understand._

But he needs this. He needs to have sex, to change _something_ crucial about himself… he just isn't living, not with the way the wheels in his head squeak together with the same old repeated sound of ache and wear.

But maybe he is living.

The moments he spends with Magnus over the week, though laced with confusion and awkwardness, aren't unpleasant. They don't get along perfectly, they have their differences but altogether they _work._ Alec couldn't ask for a better, and subsequently worse, person to do this to. He probably won't completely regret having sex.

Even if he does regret having sex, he'll likely be too numb to care, but he won't mind that it's _Magnus._ Magnus has never intentionally hurt him, which is a lot more than Alec can say for most people. While he's still uncomfortable, he's been able to give Magnus oral again, he's even managed to stay semi-hard through it. He's done well so far, and he's going to make it all the way, he's going to destroy himself with the impure intentions that rage through his heart. It's funny how those impure thoughts stemmed from an impure action that he honestly didn't entirely bring upon himself.

Alec hates that he trusts Magnus, that he's starting to want to smile without act when the other teen is around. That it takes a moment longer for Alec to retract his body with memories of the past when it's Magnus he brushes into. It's confusing, it's stupid but it's not a _lie._

Alec doesn't know what to feel as these emotions swirl in him, as his mind and his body clash without rhythm, without order as his memories tell him to be afraid of Magnus, afraid of what he's going to do. The same part of him screams for him to do it already, to make Magnus his, to have Magnus destroy him and stop fussing over it.

He doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to disappear, he doesn't want to be destroyed. He has Magnus, and he has Max… The least he can do is hold on for his little brother. Can't he? Can he do it? Can he… Alec doesn't know. He just wants to lay comatose while the world passes him by, he wants to sleep his life away and see the world through glossed-over and indifferent eyes.

He wants to be a normal kid with a loving and accepting family, parents that tease sometimes and embarrass him, a sister who playfully makes remarks on his life. He wants the _Halmark_ card, he wants to have decent grades and end up with a nine to five job. He wants a wife, two point whatever children and a normal, boring excuse for a life.

It has to be better than this. It _has_ to be, doesn't it? No pain, no torment, no _rational_ fear of basements... It would be a life of love and certainty. It's something Alec's clinging to now. Certainty. He wants a guarantee, a for-sure way to make it through the days with nothing akin to the weight he now feels breaking at his shoulders.

He's not Atlas, the immortal Titan, he can't support his heavy world forever without breaking.

He wants a lighter world, a world he doesn't have to be invincible to uphold. He wants a _life,_ and not in the shallow meaning of the world.

Sure, there are people undoubtedly worse off than him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't fucking hope for better.

He doesn't want the world to be so wrong, he doesn't want to have to use iron crutches made from the breaking resolve of his heart to move.

He doesn't want Magnus to just see him as a hunk of flesh to use, to fuck, with no respect, like he does. He might be using Magnus, too, but knowing you're being used by someone you consider a mildly acceptable to decent excuse for a person still tugs at the stitches he'd begun to tie to Magnus from himself. Their web is slowly becoming more and more full, strands sometimes almost visible to Alec.

But he's being used. He's always being used for something. To bear the sharp end of his father's rage and annoyances, of his expectations, to help Aline get the title of converting a jock, for sex...

He should be used to it by now, shouldn't he?

He laughs bitterly, though it doesn't matter as he's alone in a quiet corner of the school's library.

He doesn't think he'll ever get used to being used, that he'll even have time.

* * *

It's Saturday, once again, and Alec goes off to spend his time with Max before coming back to the dorm.

His trip with Max was fun, and he laughed a bit, let himself go, and just... lived, for a minute. He didn't come to any spectacular conclusions about his life, he didn't find any hidden truths, but whatever. He had fun with his little brother, and he doted on him like he wouldn't b alive tomorrow. Because in a way, he probably wouldn't be.

He doesn't even know if Max'll matter to him tomorrow.

But he wants Max to matter, he really does. He'd be lying if he said he didn't love his baby brother, be lying if he announced that the boy's opinion would be disregarded. But thats why he never asks Max, Max might just stop him, and he doesn't want that... Not really. Right?

It doesn't matter, he'll just have to hope that Max will be fine without him.

Alec's in a strange mood when he returns, just... an empty vessel, his thoughts of Max invading his thoughts as he flirts with Magnus, as they go to get something to eat his mind wanders over to his little brother and who'll take care of the boy. He doesn't really have anyone.

Thoughts of Max are dispelled, however, when they get back to the rooom and the taller teen pushes Alec against the closed door, their mouths pressed firmly together and Magnus forcing his tongue into Alec's mouth.

Alec lets him in, and tries to control his rising panic by telling himself that this will be just like the other times, that nothing bad will happen. That he's just going to give Magnus a blowjob and they'll be done with it. He tries to get hard and keep it there by lying to himself, and it's working. He remains calm as Magnus pulls off his shirt, and he pulls Magnus's off as well. There won't be any problems, he tells himself, because maybe if he keeps thinking it it'll come true, that he'll break and parts of him that didn't break off won't stick out like jagged edges ready to cut like the lethal blades they will undoubtedly become.

_"I'm sorry," whimpered the son, defeated but still attempting for mercy._

_The father grunted. "I don't care if you're sorry or not."_

Alec's breath caught, and not in a good way, as the memory forced itself to the front of his mind like a bullet trying to escape his head. He couldn't think of those things, he couldn't, not yet...

He tries to focus on Magnus's lips on his, on the hands guiding him to the bed but it's so hard.

_The teen had lost the battle, and he could already feel the cold numbness seeping into his soul, the sure-sign of defeat and the long hours of torture that were undoubtedly going to occur in the hours ahead._

Alec doesn't want to think about it, he wants to think about the warm hands on his chest and the bed underneath him. Bedding, not the cold cement floor of the basement of his old house. (Never a home, never, never a home.)

Alec's mind whirled back to the reality of what was happening to him, though, when Magnus's mouth attached to his throat, sucking. It was something unique to Magnus; no one else had ever bothered to mark him like that before, and it let him forget about his bad memories.

It gave him bruises that weren't from fists hitting him, from legs denting into him with a nearly mechanical force. It isn't a bruise he was ashamed to have.

Alec presses his hips up against Magnus, pleasure washing over him in a tiny shadow of what it can become. He reclaims Magnus's lips, _his_ tongue exploring _Magnus's_ mouth because they're equal in this. This isn't him being degraded, being punished. This is just mutually benificial pleasure. (Right now, at least.)

Alec's hands go down to slide Magnus's pants down, and Magnus has to bend down to take them all the way off because he's so damn tall, and it doesn't surprise Alec to learn there weren't any underwear under those skinny jeans. It's usually fifty-fifty for whether or not they're there, anyway.

Alec's nervousness reappears as Magnus slides down his own pants, and they're gone, and soon his underwear have abandoned him as well.

Magnus pulls out a packet of something that he spreads on his fingers, and a moment later Alec can feel a finger poking at his anus. He tenses up, and his erection goes down just a bit as he remembers the last time.

 _His mind went blank as it screamed for mercy, as his heartbeat threw itself so hard against his chest it threatened to break through his flesh and go on a rampage_.

One finger is all the way in, pumping, and Alec isn't all that comfortable with it. But why would he be? It's not really comfortable, end of story.

A second finger is inserted into him, slimy from the substance Magnus smeared onto it, and Alec bites his lip as he attempts to get used to it. Magnus starts to slowly try and pull the fingers apart, stretching out his insides, and Alec takes a sharp breath.

"Tell me if this hurts too much," Magnus says, continuing to fuck around inside Alec with his fingers.

Alec doesn't say anything, and the room is silent but for the strange squelching sound the lubrication in Alec is making. They're not speaking, it's rather awkward but neither care. They just want it to _happen_ already.

And as Alec starts to get turned on from Magnus's fingers pumping in and out of him, he moans, nodding to the teen that is considered his boyfriend. Emotions, thoughts and everything else is thrown out the window as Magnus pulls on a condom and enters Alec, because that's all the teen can focus on. Magnus, disapearing into him.

It's not comfortable, and Magnus starts moving slowly after a minute. It hurts, yet, but more in a dull ache than a roaring pain.

Magnus starts moving faster, and faster, and Alec lets out a little moan as it starts to feel good. He tries to conjure up a bad memory, but finds it hard. He finally gets one, something that can help destroy him.

_And then it let up a bit only to come back with twice the intensity, pressing into the wounds made the first time, ripping them further and creating new-_

Magnus hits something inside Alec, what he assumes to be his prostate, and every bad thought is thrown out the window as Magnus takes Alec's gasp as an order to keep abusing that spot, keep thrusting into it like there's no tomorrow. Maybe there isn't a tomorrow, but whatever. As long as Magnus kepps doing that.

He can hear the taller teen moaning above him, and god, Magnus is perfect right now. He's just so... Alec doesn't know how to describe it, but if Magnus stops what he's doing right now Alec is going to murder him.

After a few more minutes of riding the pleasure, Magnus comes, but keeps thrusting into Alec so that he can come as well. And he does, just a minute later.

Magnus pulls off the condom, tying it up so his semen won't escape before throwing it on the floor. He lays next to Alec, and that's how they fall asleep. Next to each other, their bodies next to each other enough for the other.


	13. Chalk Outline

Alec wakes up to warmth and the steadily beating rhythm of a heart next to his. He sits up, grabbing some clothes from his dresser and stepping into the bathroom, putting them on. Its Sunday... No school. Just thoughts to swirl around in his head all day, vacant... Wonderful. Alec sighs, walking out into the room, whn he realizes he's walking a bit funny.

It doesn't really hurt, besides a little soreness in his backside... How odd. He twists a bit, only to recieve a little jolt of pain from his lower back. He pokes it, only to hiss as it throbs back in response. What the fuck happened?

Alec glances around the room, looking to the bed he just got out of, only for an unexpected image to met his eyes. His roommate, his boyfriend, king of the school, whatever you want to call him, half covered by a pale sheet but seemingly naked otherwise.

His eyes widen. He... He had sex. And he didn't even break properly.

His remaining sanity cracks apart as he finds the object nearest to him and smashes it apart as he throws it at the wall.

* * *

Magnus wakes to the crash of somthing breaking, and his eyes snap open to take in the sight of his roommate breaking everything his hands can get, his eyes mad. It's a bad sign, he knows. He grabs the nearest pair of pants he can find, and they're not even his, making a B line for the door, right to campus security.

* * *

Expelled. He was going back to the worst Hell of all tomorrow. There were no goodbyes, not to Magnus, or anyone. The school was suing for the damamges. He's scared. Terrified, actually. His anger has faded, replaced by the horror, by bitterness, by hate for himself. He's so fucking useless.

* * *

_I can remember that day perfectly. I can still see it when I close my eyes, I can still hear the nervousness in my voice, I can still smell the man I had to call father's coffee from across the room. It's my worst memory, and I've never really had anyone to help me forget it. I've never told it to anyone._

_But now that I've taken a sort of revenge, and I'm being prosecuted, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to tell you why I'm so twisted now. Why I can't feel sorry about what I've done._

_I was so nervous, that day. I'd asked my father, stuttering, if I could talk to him. I was biting at my lip, my eyes not settling down in one place, and my cheeks were flushed with the nerves of it all. My figure was hunched over itself, my palms clammy and my mind was nearly twitching. I knew there would be a bad reaction to what I was going to say. I didn't expect it to go beyond the usual, though._

" _Stuttering is unattractive and useless. Stop doing it, and that ridiculous blush is insulting to your family name," my father said, gazing over his newspaper at me for a moment. His eyes were cold, empty and riddled with hidden anger, often repressed hate and aggression that was often funneled off onto me._

" _I-I'm sorry…" I stuttered, mentally cursing myself for making the same mistake twice in succession. But I just couldn't help but stutter when I looked at my father, as I prepared for the torture I'd be up against in the hours that would follow my words. I was always on edge when I talked to my father. He was a horrible man, prejudiced, stuck in ways that should have changed years ago._

_I should have known better, I really should have. I had a stupid little hope that my father would, for once, understand. I knew better, but maybe I just wanted to flare out in the rebellion that had made me friends. Honest rebellion, this admittance would be, because I was being rebellious on accident, but telling him on purpose. I was being stupid. I was playing with fire, and I got a hell of a burn._

_The head of my family looked at me like I was crippled by an overwhelming stupidity. "Don't apologize. Fix it."_

_"Yes, father," I'd complied, nodding quickly, somehow hoping that would erase my previous blunders. I was being silly, but I still did it._

_My father's eyes were cold when he told me to stop wasting his time and say my intended speech, same as always. I was so nervous._

_I stuttered when I said it. I'm actually surprised I managed to get the entire sentence out. That I actually managed to force the words through my lips. That I actually, somehow, managed to tell my father that I'm gay._

_I can remember the silence that followed like a ghost would remember its eulogy._

_Then, my father uttered the words that I was afraid of._

_"Basement," He said a lie of calmness washing over him as he grit his teeth together._

_"Father, please don't, I'm so-"_

_I began to beg, but he cut me off, and screamed at me, my heart being shot up by the bullets of hope I'd allowed myself to create. I was so stupid._

_"BASEMENT!" My father roared, and he knocked his chair back as he rushed to stand, walking over to me with heavy footfalls._

_I took a step backwards, away from the monster, but of course he caught up with my stupid self. He grabbed me by the hair, forcefully shoving my terrified body to the basement, a hidden part of our house that was never spoken of._

_Only the two so greatly involved, my father and I, would know, could be afforded to know. It was a secret place for a secret purpose, for punishment and undeserved beatings. For rage and hate to all be let free on an undeserving child. It wasn't my fault something happened to my father to make him so incredibly twisted, and I don't know what it was but it must have been awful._

_It was what it was, and I knew better than to protest being dragged into Hell. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have struggled. I would have screamed for help, I would have cried for Aline or Jace, I would have searched for someone to save me._

_I apologized as he pulled me down with him, and as my hair slid a bit from his grip he let go and smacked across my face, leaving what I didn't doubt was a blushing red mark as blood flowed to the tender skin of my cheeks, not the only part of me that would probably be in need of ending by the end of the night._

_I was surprised, though. i can remember that very well. It was such a… visible place for him to hit me. He never did that. But paranoia didn't sprout like it should have, not to the extent that it now lives inside me._

_"I'm sorry," I know I whispered. It wasn't even my fault._

_My father scoffed, dismissing me as an idiot. "I don't care if you're sorry or not."_

_And I knew then, as well as I know it now, that he meant it._

_The way I don't care about what you think about me for killing this monster._

_My father pulled me back a bit, then threw me forward, forcing me to topple rather uncomfortably down the flight of cement stairs. I heard the click of the deadbolt over my own pain and I knew to be afraid as my father took his time to smell the metaphorical roses as he descended the stairs._

_I realized, with a scared shock, that I had been stupid enough to release the worst of punishments upon myself. This was much worse than when I'd gotten my lip pierced (in the girl's bathroom, no less), or when I'd quit all of the sports that made him hate me just that much less. That made me normal enough. That kept us a family of gods._

_No, I was sure this had taken the cake. And there would be no sweets testing._

_My father sneered at me when he saw my pathetically sprawled body on the cold floor, gasping for the breath the tumble had forced out of his bruise-sporting chest. I had just begun to think that maybe my wounds were going away, too._

_It wasn't going to be a good night, I knew that much. I just didn't expect the extent of it, I can tell you that._

_My father was doing this to me. The man who kept the roof over my head. My father, who'd had a tint of pride when I was helped our team win the football game. My father, who I'd become used to being used as a personal punching bag for over the years. This was my father, who wanted me to be the golden boy that I would never be._

_I was terrified. I coughed, I think, and my efforts were rewarded with a particularly painful kick. I yelped, and got another kick. I stuttered out yet another meaningless apology, and a foot to my ribs was the consequence. When I learned the game, remained noiseless, the abuse became less and less. But the pain was a reminder, I knew, that I could never walk in the sun the way my father wanted me to. That I'd never be like my brother and best friend, the one who was perfect without any effort. Perhaps that made him less perfect, not having to try._

" _You're gay, son. Get used to it." My father scolded at my hurt reactions to being kicked repeatedly. My vision had begun to blur, and there was a slight buzzing in my ears but I could detect all the hate being pumped my way. The very intensity made me whimper, and I was hit with a shoe again. Then he gave me a moment to breathe as he crouched in front of me, a burning look of disgust digging their impressions into my weak conscious._

_He spat on me._

" _I knew it, you know. I always knew you were a_ fag _, ever since you started to be…"_

" _Myself?" I hissed around the copper taste in my mouth, pulling up any last hints of rejection to him. Maybe if I hadn't said that, things wouldn't have gone the way that they did._

" _Uncooperative with the way things work around here." My father scowled, then so gracefully threw me across the cement floor, my freshly bruised bosy rolling unpleasantly with a muffled smacking sound. I got another glob of spit my way._

" _I'm going to teach you not to interrupt. I'm going to teach you not to be a homosexual and I'm going to teach you how to be a carbon copy of everyone else."_

_I groaned, my attempt at a response, but my body was aching. I'd been shoved against a wall when my father threw me, and I knew there was no escaping. No one ever came to the secluded basement, and no one would see the blood-stains that blended in._

_I didn't think that anyone would ever find my spilt blood, and of course no one could hear the screams that were trapped in this Hell of mine. My screams just echoed through my father's empty heart, and this forever-empty house._

_My father needed to take his anger out on someone, make it a tradition for when rage runs free, a punishment when a glass breaks._

_I was punched and kicked into the wall, my insides being crushed and I knew my father well enough to cease commentary. He kept telling me how pathetic I was, how stupid and useless. I was a waste of space. I wasn't worth the love my family gave me. I had to wonder if my father considered this violence love, because if so it was all I got as of late. My inner wonderings weren't answered, of course, as my father's insults carried on without a hitch._

" _I'm going to teach you what it means to be homosexual."_

_I'll never forget those words, because they mark when the real nightmare began. They are the reminder that love isn't possible for me anymore._

_We both lacked a bit of air in our lungs as the next, and final, act began, and I had no idea as to what was happening. I had no clue._

_I didn't get a chance to ask, though, as I was pulled up and thrown onto my back, completely winded. My sight was torn from me for a minute, and my father was on top of me when I could see again. I watched, not at all comprehensive, as my father's garments were all removed. His dick wasn't fully hard, but as I saw it I realized it was dangerous enough. I knew what was going to be happening._

_But I naively thought that I might be wrong. My father would never do something like this. He wouldn't. He couldn't. Could he?_

_I'd always known my father was awful, evil, vile… but this? He'd never considered it a possibility._

_I screamed in an intense pain as my body threatened to tear apart as my father pushed all the way into me, and I knew that I'd take a hundred hits and kicks to this._

_My mind sort of went blank as I screamed for mercy, as my heartbeat roared so hard inside my chest I thought it might break free and start its own rampage. It let up, then, for a second, but then the hurt came_ _back with twice the intensity, pressing into the wounds made the first time, ripping them further and creating new tears._

_I screamed and I screamed, desperate for clemency, and could hear my father talking as a particularly harsh thrust shut off my screams and broke my will to resist._

_Through his moans my father was talking, though his face was somewhat scrunched in the pleasure his blood-stained penis was being stimulated with._

" _Think about this anytime one of your little boyfriends wants to get close, think about this pain and think about how much it hurt to lose your virginity. Think about another man doing this to you, pounding deep into you, and then think about the first person ever to have done it, think about that this is what it means to be a sinner and that you will repent as such. Think about how this feels, think about how much you never want another man to touch you because you're_ filthy, _drowning in your own stink and pain. Every time, come back to this and know you can never love anyone because you've ruined yourself. You're useless, stupid and can't even pretend to be normal. You're an abomination, you're what everyone hates and no one's love for you will ever go deeper than what I'm pushing into you."_

_I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that short monologue directed at me, and me alone. I adopted silence towards my father after that. Any thoughts would remain my own. I wasn't being raped any more, I was watching it happen as though I was disconnected, which I was. I was like a bystander, and I could see every thing, al the dirt and disgust._

_The man doing this horrible thing to this boy wasn't worth living, he was a terrible person._

_I watched as a single tear fell from the empty body, and h_ _is eyes died even more as his father finally came inside of him, the cum seeping into his wounds and stinging at wounds the son didn't feel anymore. The father clothed himself and left, saying simply that the mother would bring food and a change of clothes after dinner, and that in a week's time the son would be going to a school across the country._

_I wasn't, apparently, worthy of being my father's son any longer._

_When my mother came down what seemed like hours later, she didn't even have the decency to look like she cared. Hatred started brewing in me, a need for love and a simultaneous hate for it._

_They gave me a reason to burn the sun. But what sun, exactly, did I have left?_

_I suppose that explains exactly why my mind became as twisted as it did. It doesn't, however, explain exactly why I killed my father._

_I got expelled from the school he sent to me. I freaked out after having sex with my roommate, and broke one too many things. I was sent back home, and I was determined to keep up my silence with the people who'd raised me._

_I think it only took three days for me to snap. It would have been longer, but he said something that shortened the time of his life considerably._

" _How's your brother? I hope he's not turning out like you, or I'll have to treat him as such."_

_He was dead ten minutes later, and I was waiting for the arrest when the police finally got to our house, my mother having lost her wits and screaming about on the floor like a lunatic. She was absolutely hysterical._

_I love my little brother, I do. He grounded me, or put me as close to the earth as I could get. That's why I had to kill my father._

_A life for a life, and I wasn't going to be selfish and let him be the one who lost. I lost my life to my father, and I couldnt let him tip the scales even further. It's strange, though, how I'm still not sure._

_Am I a killer, or am I just insane?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of it :D


End file.
